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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-02-12 - 9:01 p.m. I really need to talk to her.....Phone's busy, I wanna drive down there. I feel like my heart is being tossed around in a dryer getting picked up and slammed back down on the hot metal, I got a lump in my throat, I can't eat, my mind is in a whir of confusion, Once I thought of those bad thoughts my psyche has plunged into an abyss of hopelessness. I need to talk to her. I bought all, well most of the stuff I need to suprise her for V-day, but I don't know if it'll be worth it, I don't know if V-day this year is gonna give me a broken heart. All this time I've talked about me, I wonder how she feels.....Am I the only one losing here?? nah, I can't be, I don't want to be the patsy.....I don't want her to hurt though...I don't know what the hell I'm saying.......Phones still busy........my emotions are a powder keg ready to blow.....I know I'm gonna bust into tears soon....What's more important, knowing now or being patient? The pressure on my heart has been too great over this ordeal, I'm surprised I haven't just spontaneously combusted yet. God knows I want to. I love her, I do, I really do, am I being blind to it? Has this whole thing been a lie? The feelings are too vivid to say they were illusions.......Is this an issue of just avoiding and dreading commitment, or is this a sex issue, or is this just a thing that "happens?" I hate when people say it just didn't work out and they blame this or that instead of themselves......Is that what I gotta do to myself to move on and insure that all that time I spent and all those tears I cried and all the laughter and good times we shared weren't just a complete waste of time?? I still don't know what she wants or what her theory is and I'm already thinking DISMAL DISMAL DISMAL.....I don't know, maybe it ain't that bad.....I don't know what it is, but this is killing me.....line is still busy......I'm about to explode and it ain't gonna be pretty, I just wanna drive down there right now, 3 hours just to figure this out....This enormous strain on my heart, I can't carry myself, I'm so afraid, I'm so scared, and most of all, I feel so very hopeless. I tried my best to maintain myself today, it's hard, I know people see through me like a damn piece of plate glass. I told the crew that I just wanted to shave my head and go to Tibet and mediatate, not even for enlightenment, just mediatate and if I do find something, I'll tell one of them, and then I'm gonna self-immoliate myself and let Settler(Greg) to take pictures of it and make money off of it, and I wanted to be remembered not as that person who sat in deep mediatation that found out whatever I do find out(If I do find out anything) but as the guy who burned himself alive to make a cool record cover for Settler. And I would acupuncture my body with Sparklers and shove 7 lbs of various fireworks in my ass while I drench myself in gas and light myself to oblivion. Hey, I got a sick, weird mind......so does she at times.....I loved those times where we'd just be demented as hell and come up with the weirdest, disturbing things and laugh our heads off about killing babies and eating them and all sorts of stuff.....Yeah, I bet you think now we're a bit TOO CUCKOO, right? Anywho, I got humour, and damn I can get more cynical about myself. Just imagine if Richard Lewis and Rodney Dangerfield had a damn kid, it would be me squared......Damn, I got alot of supportive friends here, I got weed-okay, scratch weed, I got friends, I got a life ahead of me, It's looking more vivid too just like how Raven's percieving things......It's funny how my mind is already trying to cope after I've blurted all this negativity and bleakness. Raven helped me with that.....she did, she taught me how to REALLY love myself......god damnit, still busy.......I got a 117 minutes to burn.......I'm feeling better talking about all the things I've gained from her......She really turned me around....I hope she likes my V-day surprise......Damn, I just hope it's good and nothing too terrible happens....I realize I want her to be super happy......I feel like the kid in Rushmore at the end, everyone thought he lost and was the only one hurt, but damn I think he really won and was the happier one for it.....I remember when Raven suggestively just started blowing into my ear watching that movie, it felt so good.....damn, she said I was her "best" (so far) in bed....I don't know if I agree much with that, but damn I think I do decent.....line is still busy, she's not online, she must be talking to Kevin/Steve/Peeps/Kenny.....maybe even Ron, her super-crush....Ron's afraid of me, I think it's funny........Damn, I don't know, I feel alot better now......what did I get off my chest, I really don't know, but I feel relaxed now, oddly.....Anyways, I just want to call her tonite and tell her I love her....through thick and thin.....and how much she makes me smile......Kill'em with kindness, right? Better then being sucked into a black hope of despair.
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