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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-02-18 - 4:15 a.m. I spent the whole weekend going in cycles of crazy emotion. I'm nervous, I'm loving, I'm scared, I'm crying, I'm mad, I'm comforting, I'm happy, I'm laughing, I'm worried, I'm jealous, I'm sorrowful, I'm supportive, I'm sobbing, I'm crying myself to sleep, I'm kissing, I'm trying, I'm balling, I'm thinking, I'm wondering, I'm wanting, I'm giving, I'm regretful, I'm envious, I'm bored, I'm insightful, I'm blind, I'm manipulative, I'm hating myself...... I gotta channel all this stuff. Raven is so stressed and I'm so scared. Rationally, everything is sound, my heart is pounding. One second I love her. She and I love each other very much, we still share a special thing, we support each other, give each other comfort, BUT the next second I feel like she's my crutch and she doesn't need my fat-ass to lean on her. I've hurt her, I've made her catch a lapse of common sense and she hasn't the time to deal with pithy, sad me. I lose.....She's stressed but after all, she runs circles around me. She still doubts my intentions of bettering myself, I can't blame her. She wants me to let go. She has so much ahead of her and a Ron to play with (cunnilingus?). I'm a tad envious mixed in with scared and depressed. I used to drink that cocktail quite frequently in the past. I'm really afraid of me and what I can do and what I can't do. I could drag myself into oblivion quite easily at a time like this but I try to stay positive. She gave me the tools to pull myself out of the hole, there's no hand for me now. She doesn't have to wait for me either. She won't. She'll leave, most likely unless a miracle happens. My favorite song right now is "I Believe In Miracles" (you figure it out.) No guarantees, but what is in this life. She loves me now-I gotta cherish that fact. I gotta do this for her, I gotta do it for me more especially. No one has been nicer to me then her and I don't think anyone is close to challenging that. I want so much for her that I forget about me, I can't see me and what I want right now, but I've been a baby towards it all and just wanted some damn attention and love and take take take and hardly any give and it almost cost me her......well, maybe it cost me her, the burning question, the building doubt, I call after all this crazy shit is done, will I be waiting, will she? I believe in our love, but belief is just that. All for nothing? When I die, I'll find out. In the mean time, I gotta let all this loose, I gotta find ME while she finds HER. It's wrong to think she'll have less trouble but she's the hardier of the pair. I can't stop thinking of worst case scenarios and heart tearing lies and deception. I keep thinking of something jamming into my heart, news that will make time stop and make me shatter into a million pieces, but I don't want to think that way, I want to channel this shit, I want to take it to happyland and show the evil the good way of doing things. She doesn't need me, I need her, things need to change, is this a nice way of taking people out of your life? Is there a nice way at all? I feel like the lowest of the low and she the innocent, I went for some prey and I end up the one getting eaten alive. I'm tearing myself into shreds and eating the bullshit my evil mind creates.......I need to snap loose, I'm glad I can write about, I gotta know it's there before I go and squash it outta my system. I go into counter-reactions to battle my own pestilence. I can't stop thinking about her, I can't stop apoligizing, I can't stop thanking her, I can't get rid of her. I can stop thinking negatively, I can change my ways, I can give back to her equally, I can get rid of this pain.
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