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Am I being toyed with????
2002-02-25 - 4:35 p.m.

I think everyone is being toyed with to an extent. Am I being played? I wait for this grrl, she's pretty much being "unfaithful" in a relationship sense and I'm waiting....STILL. She's even worried for me. What is it that keeps me??? She gives me what I need, when she can........(no one can ever possibly all giving ALL the time, you gotta be selfish to be selfless, just think about that one and let it marinate.) I give her "peace" she said. She said she wants someone to love her, to make her breakfast and blah blah blah. I do all that, but she isn't ready for that ALL ENCOMPASSING relationship which will TRAP AND CONFIDE her to me, a good old ball n chain thing. We already say are hearts are tangled to each other, damn it's close enough already. I can't help but love her through all of this eventhough for the most part, I'm the one also being effected by all of the craziness. I just kill her with kindness, I take this "exploring" thing as tests of will and compatibility more then anything else to put it simpler. I think she needs to know, WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, that I'm the one for her. (Is that cocky to say?) She's obviously very protective of her heart, especially in situations of this magnitude, and I don't blame her, I congratulate her for it. With every blow, I feel a step closer as much as I want to be pulling back at those initial bombs.....but when the smoke settles, it's all "I REALLY MISS YOU!" type stuff that prevails. Why? I love her silly-billy. I felt all depressed, I talk to her on IM, drops some more depressing news, and I'M HAPPY AGAIN?!?!? Run that all by me again? She slept with another man, felt bad about it, felt confused, said she missed me, and I FELT BETTER AFTERWARDS?!?!? Is this really Jerry Springer material? She confides in me, she finds peace in me, she loves me, she gives when she can and she's gives and gives with the slightest movement, a smile, a hug, holding my hand, a kiss, an I LOVE YOU, brings me endless hours of reassurance that there IS something to live for out in this world. I'm waiting, I'm growing, I'm learning, emotions are just a part of life. IS it worth it? As of now, yes it has.......later, who knows........My love compounds everyday for her, I wonder what it can lead too.....I don't want to tell her I'm the only one for her, I just want her to feel as if she didn't have to "look" any further. Everyday I keep trying for her.

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