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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-02-25 - 3:04 p.m. I feel detached from myself, from the people I love....I try to confide in others and then I catch myself and say, "Hey, wait, ride this one out, see what happens." People around me do great things, I'm trying to survive college and it seems like I'm hitting something. I feel more mediocre then ever, I am seeing all the stuff I lack, all the stuff I show......all the guesses of how people see me.....I see how I need things........how I use things.....how I lean on things........I'm riding this one out......I really don't want to be alone, here........it seems like it's what the world wants...it seems I've come into conflict with it.....It's not that I don't have the power the fight, I just don't see the point....I don't want to think I'm even more wrong then I am now......I think I'll just fuck things up......so back to the introspective drawing board......What have I come up with you ask? So far, how terrible I'm doing and how I cleverly try to cover it up, even from my own self, and I'm just uncovering them. I feel bad, I do, but I don't want a shoulder, I want to give the shoulder.....for I've taken too many shoulders to call myself a compassionate human being........I'm scum right now......I'm back at square one and I have recieved little or no compassion for a small time and it's made me realize how much I'm tapped into it......I don't want people to waste their time with me......I find myself holding back.......the things I want have become destructive and volatile to the things I love......I feel like a traitor in more ways then one, to the people I love and to myself and my feelings. As much as I don't want to deal with them, I realize how many people out there really don't want to listen to my shit either. So am I depressed again? I don't think so, I get a tell tale feeling when I'm depressed. It starts at the neck and the depressive chill surges through my body slowly, like a coldness just crept into my veins down into my hands and legs. I think I'm just getting accquanted with what's REALLY REAL, and how things are gonna be and all the grandiose things I've felt before aren't really real and I realize I'm here, with a 2.3 GPA with little or no hope of change for those illusions I told everyone about, the ones that I could talk my head off about before, now I just don't even want to talk about it....my eyes are getting tingly, I want to cry right now, but it's not gonna happen, it's not worth it, no point in shedding them. FOR WHAT? FOR YOU? FOR RELEASE? I've released enough already and I haven't put anything back into it's place. I wanna reach but I got no grasp, I want to go, but I'm buried, I'm a big hypocrite, a lie......a fictional human being that's not even a tad interesting to write about. Saying Sorry is about the sorry-EST thing to do right now. I feel like everything I fight for I didn't really fight for, I just hid behind and I'm too weak now to fight. I wish everything that loved me destroys me and gets some sort of satisfaction out of it......but you see, that's my out, they let me linger, all the lies are taken for the true and I must taste my medicine I so cruelly administered to others. I cringe from the taste, but I gulp it down nonetheless.....I need to be the brunt of jokes and ridicule. I need to be used and thrown away, but instead I'm killed with kindness, what a terrible death for a dumb arse like me. Well, looks like everything is kosher everywhere else, keep the medicine coming.
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