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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-03-21 - 6:55 p.m. It's snowing, winter weather advisory for tonite, only Frostburg. I'm tired, thinking, thinking, maybe not so much thinking, more like dwelling, dreading. IF YOU TRULY LOVE SOMETHING, YOU'D SET IT FREE...........When did I ever put the shackles on? Well, that doesn't matter anymore, I dread myself, she dreads her devious powers, she realizes how bad she's gonna hurt me, she wants to be destructive and hurtful from one point, but at the same time being protective of me?? It's like a crackhead sanitizing his needle before he passes it to the other crackhead. Weird. I don't know what to think. I want to make a universe with her in my scheme, in her scheme I feel like the farthest star in the universe and she's just a supernova, a blast of pure energy that I won't ever see the full potential of until I've lived a thousand lifetimes, waiting for the light to travel to the last stop of the universe, where I sit in the cold, smoking a cig, mumbling crazy things to all the people that sit and go next to me. The Bench at the bus stop becomes my home, I know the regulars, they coin a name for me but never say "hi", they know my rituals. I'm not all there, they must think, and they're pretty right, I don't want to be there, after seeing what burned so brightly, after seeing so much beauty, I don't want to see, I don't want to move ahead. I want to live as if I was dead. No worries, no wants, until I forget how to breath, think, talk, love and laugh. Tell me it's not the end of the world. What? You're world? What is this world you speak of?? For real?? I don't need a warm body next to me anymore. I don't need to see beauty anymore. I don't need to see laughter, I don't need my wit, I don't need anything, frankly I've grown tired of this life and I know it's hardly begun in one respect, but What else do i need to see? My Dreams unfold? My aspirations become reality? See myself improve and grow old and see my reflection in another living creation? What does it all matter if no one is there to see it? Life is game, teasing ups and downs, a chutes and ladders with no end, the end is your own square that you're standing on when you give up. We all give in to Life's game. So what if I stop at square 20 and not 81? Tons of people don't even get on the board. I want to stop eating, I want to stop breathing, then Settler comes along says something profound, I engage in laughter and wit, smoke a bowl, eat some snacks, I guess I want to live, A fucking song that makes me dance says secretly "LIVE MIKE" in the background. Really, but I just want to lie in bed all Spring Break like an invalid and get bedsores, I want no one to mourn, I want people to eventually forget, but she'll cry, they'll be like "Damn, Why?" when they toke another joint, they'll sit there and wonder why their son did it, they'll sit there and be like, "John Bennett's Brother killed himself?!?!? Ouch, when? That sucks." This Dland page will be a part of what's left, I bequeath all my shit to John Logan, he's a kind soul, he'll be an ill DJ. Anyways, a cry for help, a cry for me, a cry for you is what you need, then be like "WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING??" then just go on with yourself like nothing happened.
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