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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-06 - 5:41 a.m. I feel a hint of maturity right about now. Soon after this entry is typed I will be frantically cleaning this dorm room, feeling so ashamed about my trashy-college-lifestyle that I can't bear letting my mother see it. Sadly, I've also come to another "shocking" revelation, in that I can't drive up to Pittsburgh every week. I just can't afford it. I'm so strapped for cash right now. I just mailed in a seventy buck check for a 70 dollar speeding ticket (draining my bank account basically), but I forgot to send the actual ticket with it, I don't know what they're gonna do to me now and I don't know what to do. Adding to that, since my folks are coming up tommorrow to take my brother out on his 22nd birthday dinner, I can't roll up to Pittsburgh this afternoon to catch our friends actually open up for THE WAILERS and then see THE WAILERS up close and personal. Damn, I'm passing up something really great and the kid in me AND the mature me are both saying DAMNIT! right about now. It would be so much fun to chill in Pitt today and the evening, going to the music festival, going to parties afterwards, then probably even smoking up with the Wailers themselves even..........you know?!? But no, I'm gonna sit here, wait for mom and dad and eat at Bob Evans. I feel like punching a wall but in an odd sense I feel good that I have the power to do such things, to pass temptations that great up.....because it's really taking a toll on me. Driving to and from Pitt adds miles to the truck and it's less then 400 miles from its next oil change. I changed the oil only a month ago, meaning I drove nearly 3000 miles in a month. Mad people owe me money, Bat, Breezy, this other kid, and I'm not exactly a rich playboy either, but I'm nice to spot these fuckers once and again with the little money I do have. At one end, I feel like the party-pooper, because I know when Bat gets up, he's gonna be looking for a ride and he's gonna be begging me. I was the one ALWAYS DOWN with driving down there, only once I didn't drive and that's when lil Phil's car got totaled and we spent the night at the Hornet's. At the other end, I feel like it's something that needs to be done. I almost feel sad for saying it, but I can tone down a bit. For instance, we drank tonite, me, Arylon, and quad mate Eric. They were waiting for ME to start drinking, like I was the party man master of ceremonies or something. I've also noticed the number of times I've been high this semester and although I don't see it hindering me greatly, I just don't like the vibe I'm getting, falling into a crowd. I'm actually building a wicked tolerance too, now I got to GET retarded just to FEEL high. What am I gonna do till then? I don't know. Time is gonna tick down regardless, I'll try to make the most out of it, but I'm tired of feeling restless when there's no stimulation for me. I love it and all, but I don't NEED it as much. Shit, I could read a book, I remember watching movies was a good, productive way for me to pass time. Now, at college it's either getting high or going to Pittsburgh, I can't limit myself to that, no matter how fun it seems. I don't know where I'm driving this home, but damn, I feel like I've crushed the lil kid in me. I feel probably like how parents feel after then spank their children and see them cry. Something has almost taken me over. It's all instinct and no reason. I don't know, I gotta clean up. If this makes any sense tell me, or if it doesn't tell me I'm really missing out, I mean it's the damn WAILERS and my friends for christ sakes!
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