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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-16 - 8:28 a.m. Raven Throws my mind in loops. I love her, more then anything I truly do. She confuses me though. She wishes so bad to "love me the way I love her" but she feels she can't because she leans towards a more poly- standpoint. Feelings need no justification, but why does she feel bad and hope to think one way and yearn for another? It bogs me down, it really does. I just want to grow with her and be the one she wakes up next to and I KNOW that's a lot to ask and hell I don't know if I'm fully ready for it either. Still, it's in stone for me in the beliefs of my heart. I don't want to clip her wings, I believe we can work out these things in a relationship. I know she wants to explore but I also suspect that she'd rather just move on to new roses to sniff rather then replanting and tending to ours, the ones we've made. Commitment is a big thing, is it not? I do realize that and no matter how free I tell her I want her to be, she feels constricted, maybe even cornered. The way she spoke about multiple loves was with a sort of hesitant humor and child-like optimism. She says she's demanding too much, maybe she is, that is if she is truly aiming for those dewy days everyday, relationships aren't exactly fairy tales to a T. I believe she's the most beautiful person in the world to me, she's angelic in my eyes, her powers to move my heart are found in books and fairy tales of imagination. BUT I'd be a fool however not to expect rocks in our yellow brick road. Sometimes I think she's the one that wants it more cut and dry. She's looking for an assurance. She's looking for a way out. She's looking for adventure. Eventhough her thoughts aren't highly detailed and cuts-to-the-chase, it's like her feelings about them are cut and dry. She's steadfast when it comes to that and that's part of the reason why I love her. She's straight up about it. Sometimes I do think though that she's doing things out of habit rather then reason. Who doesn't though? I believe we can work things out, she loves me and that's on no different level, because what's more to love then true love? ........nothing. Really, she does love me, she gets just excited over seeing me as I do over seeing her and god knows we wouldn't be this way if we weren't true to each other. Maybe she's afraid it'll get boring, and she's not the type to fall into routine. I'm afraid I'm boring enough, but jesus if we don't have some spark between us that makes us feel just that comfortable and peaceful, ya know? I don't want to keep her window shopping, I want her to go out and buy to her heart's content. I want to help her and explore the joys of her doing so and throw up confetti and party with her when the going gets good. I love her unconditionally and I wish I could just, you know, tap her on the shoulder whenever she thought different and tell her that. It's her heart holding back and it has every right to. I want what's right for her and I'm no mind reader. We could be making a big mistake, no matter how my heart just beats faster in anticipation of being next to her. She could be right to think these things and hesitate. She's got alot to think about, I know, and I just want her to get through it all okay. I'm not giving up though, not now, not after all of this, my feelings do get stronger and stronger everyday it seems. Everytime I see her, hold her, it's beyond anything I could of imagined or hoped for. I can't give up now, for her and for me. I wake up every morning asking myself whether I should go on, because the barbs of this situation really go in deep under my skin and sometimes it's nearly unbearable to withstand, but somehow I manage to do, I pull something out of me I never thought existed...courage, guts. This is one of the hardest things I've been through in my life. I don't even mind the barbs anymore, I don't care, I know the pain, it's so familiar to me. This isn't a bad thing, I just feel I'm beyond suffering and worrying, it's reached a point to where it doesn't matter what it takes, I'll be there to see it happen through and through. Of course I may get impatient and frustrated time to time and I believe I got a right to be, but I feel like I've been exercising patience, unlike any I've given to anyone else before. I'm gonna do what it takes, ill-prepared or not. I'll wait forever for her. I faith in her that she'll do the right thing, FOR HER, regardless of me. Maybe my desparate eyes will close and shed tears........Maybe my desparate eyes will stay open. I gotta live with that, a gamble it seems with hearts involved. It might get hurt, but how would you know a love's caress if you didn't put out your heart in the open in the first place? Baby, love is love, through and through, what I feel for you is what you feel for me in the business of love, trust me.
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