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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-17 - 4:16 a.m. When I need to get something done and I'm not "motivated" enough with myself, my mind tends to stray into doing other things I've been putting off with less urgency. It's weird, I gotta finish these scripts by Thursday and I'm sitting here folding my clothes and putting them away. My life is a mess here. I'm in disarray. I go to great lengths to avoid responsibility and work by actually doing OTHER work. Is that weird? I guess it's just because I do those things because they seem more feasible, whereas you give me a new thing and I have no idea on where to begin, so I fold clothes, that's easy, that can be conquered. All the other times I skip it, but when you put a daunting task in front of me, I find myself looking for something better to do that I know where the end is. Is this odd? Am I making any sense? I don't know it's 4am and my sense is not really in full capaticity if you know what I mean. I don't know, everything I gotta do in a couple of hours, I know I can make it through and all the exhilaration I'm gonna feel is gonna be worth it after it's all said and done. This isn't done without obstacles though. I almost just completely broke down today, a grown ass man like me......I know.......damn, really it was all caving in on me. Usually when I'm in the corner, I know I painted myself in there and I bring on alot of depression and self-doubt along with it. It's a process, depression is a buncha chemicals in my head. It's such a tempting road too, I've been down it so many times, eventhough it's hurtful and unproductive, something is about it that's just........inviting. It's like a warm blanket........of self-loathing and hatred, but an escape nonetheless. A false one, it seeps into the people I love and care about, it becomes me and it engulfs whatever falls within it. I'm fighting my addiction with negativity.....I'm no angel, I'm no success, I spend everyday fighting, everyday maintaining.
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