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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-27 - 10:41 a.m. Depression will drop-kick you when you least expect it. I sat through yesterday's night into today's sunrise mulling over that fact. The college is so quiet on the weekend morning, not a soul is awake, with the exception of me it seems. I can hear my TV halfway down the hallway, through two doors, and it's not even past 22. Good acoustics? Or thin walls? I hope I'm not keeping people up. I'm just folding clothes, while my friends and neighbors are dreaming, sleeping off hangovers, and resting tired minds. I'm contemplating over my mountain scented whites. I find these "quiet hours" the best time to think. It also can be the worst. It depends on what you're thinking about I guess. This depression came out the blue this time. I feel a little queer refering to it "coming out" like it was a concrete thing. It's like falling into a mental sensory deprivation pool really when it hits with its mighty force. I know I'm better then this, I know I am. It could be a combo of things that make me feel this way, however. I miss my grrl, I miss being next to a warm body, I miss all the things lovers do. I miss having money. I miss home. I miss my speakers in my room (I haven't been able to listen to music in weeks on my computer.) I miss good food. A clean room. Hugs. Old aquantances. Going to the movies. Watching "Iron Chef" and "Queer as Folk." Turkey Hill Blueberry Oolong Tea. My DJ equipment (My tables have been in Breezy's room for 2 weeks with the speakers, John Logan is still borrowing my treasured 05pro Mixer.) I'm gonna miss my brother, he's graduating soon, he'll be out on his own, probably in Denver somewhere doing what he does best, acting, writing and directing. I got alot of worries too. I really don't think Towson is going to accept me. They'll accept Bat probably, but not me. I'll be here another year, a year of time wasting. Further and further away from my aspirations. I'm worried about Raven and I. What's ahead for us. I don't even technically know if we're boy or girlfriend again. She's so great, she's doing so well, I don't want to hold her down, but I want her to wait, I don't know what I'll do without her in my life. I'd probably talespin outta control, wind up somewhere completely bonkers, and then start my life again in some sort of simpler, controlled matter, like finding Jesus. I bet she doesn't want to hear that. I positively love her though. I wish her the best. I'm just clinging to hope for me. I see so much potential around me, but it's so hard to see it within me, any potential that's worthwhile. Usually, around this time, I'd belittle myself alot and just get grumpy. I'm not though. I'm realizing it. I guess that's a step, I'm trying to pin-point it. I'm trying to deal with it, or am I just trying to settle with it? I want to open people's eyes. I want them to get up and come over and see what I'm doing. I want to spark interest. I want to entertain and enlighten. Some might say I do that already, but who gives a shit about the crowd if you can't applaud yourself? God I get frustrated. I need to find that lil nugget in my head and ring that bitch out.
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