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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-27 - 4:16 a.m. Depression Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood (Sometimes, usually when I'm alone) Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism (I'm a fucking pessimist, for sure.) Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness (God, when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.) Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex (Yeah, I guess you can say that, sex is pretty non-existant, I don't even feel like jerking off now for pleasure, it's like I do just because I have the opportunity to, I don't even like the payout, money shots are lack luster.) Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down" (IF I AIN'T A SAC OF SHIT, I don't know what I am! I seriously pass out all the time in class.) Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions (I haven't done my schedule for next semester and I've had a week or two.) Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping (Well, it's 5am now.....I wake up every two hours basically, I have apnea and other problems with sleeping.) Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain (I am medically OBESE.) Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts (A couple times, I'm not very happy about it.) Restlessness, irritability (Everyday I'm stuck here, restless, and I can get pretty irritabile.) Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain (Treatment? What's that?) Man, I fill out alot of these characteristics.............Is it just me though? Doesn't this happen to everybody? What makes me so special? Really? Is this just a cry for help so I can take sugary happy pills? FUCK THESE CHEMICALS IN MY HEAD! That's all it is, damn imbalances. Seth saw his name on the big screen tonite, I saw my face in the mirror, I need a haircut. He's doing so well, man, he is, he's where I want to be. Unfortunately, That's 21 hours to drive....and it seems to get further from me everyday. It makes my eyes well up in tears, this isn't me after partying, this isn't me "Fucked up." This is me in the saddest form, the one that has nothing, not even the imagination of having something. Really, it's 21 hours drive away, it's that cut and dry but where am I? Where did my dream go? Exactly, pissed away, lost in the confusion of my life, my normal, above average life. I didn't have anyone die in my arms, I didn't fight addiction, I didn't lose someone I loved, I just am, I'm just here, nothing went wrong that I can blame it on....just myself. You know, I'm really trying to, to find something, a nugget of an excuse, that's what kills me, my mind is already on the case, it's second nature to me now. It makes me sick. I'm human pestilence in a way. You know, I'm worried for everyone around me when I feel this way, I'm such an ass, I bring doom and gloom all over, I know there's some goodness in me, at least they think it's worthwhile to waste their precious time with me to fuck around, make fun of stuff and laugh. I make them laugh, even if it's at their own expense. They know I'm fucking around, or I guess they know they're better then anything I spit out. I don't know. Seriously, 3 hours ago, I could give a shit about this and then sitting alone in this dark dorm room alone, gets me to thinking. Mr. Show is such a damn funny show. I've watched these tapes so much though if I even laugh out loud, I think it's forced. I smile, I used to burst out in laughter, now I just smirk. At least I smirk, at least you can catch my dimples a bit. Does that mean there's hope? OR does that mean I've already had my laughs. Maybe I forgot how to. I wonder if my humour does more harm then good. It would just make it perfect if it did, then I can just tell people I'm a COMPLETE FUCKUP, but it's never like that. It's always complicated, well I guess for me, maybe. Other people seem to handle it effortlessly. Maybe I'm just a clumsy fuck. WHOOPS! No one calls me a fuck up though, I got that going for me. Maybe I just hide it well. What's with all these maybes? I don't even know what's going on in my own head......that can't be good.
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