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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-05-11 - 8:02 p.m. Yeah, I switched it up a bit, on the request of Sam and what can I say, I like the change, change is good. It's nothing severe or anything, but hey sometimes the simplest moves make all the difference. Speaking of change, Raven called about an hour ago and told me she got accepted at College Park. Totally awesome, I wish her the best of luck. I'm going back home she's going to College Park. She's excited as all hell and she plans to party tonite. Good news abounds. I love her. I wish her only the best. So back to the infatuation of me, uhhhh.....I struck up a thought after that call. "Do I love too much?" Is love in certain situations, volatile and unproductive? Sometimes I think it is now. I jump at the chance to tell her I love and miss her and she says "bye-bye." So I'm guessing it's unproductive. She was trying to tell me she was happy for me, but I wasn't as receptive as she was to my accomplishments, I mean I just got accepted to Towson, finally, right? That is what she means when she says "I want you to be happy on your own." I guess. But, hey she called me with the good news and I am excited for me. I don't think I took it badly. I guess she thinks the love clouds my judgement, my own sunshine. Oh sure, you can get lost in it, but really, I'm so lost anyways, right? Maybe that's wrong to say, but hey, I said it. I know she can read this. I'm a tad afraid at times. It's what I feel though, Wrong or Right. I'm gonna be fine, I'm not worried about that, I'm a guy, my fate is cut and dry. I know that sounds very, very, bad, but hey, call me cocky, I know where I want to go, and like a dumb dog, I'll keep chasing it. The cut and dry attitude is one of my father's traits and it's been passed down, planning, planning, planning. "What's the color of your parachute?" How many times did YOUR dads ask you that? It's not a bad thing, I hated it at times even, but it soaked in. Everything has disadvantages. I'm simple. I'm just looking for a handful of things, concrete, not an emotion, not a spark, not a rainbow, I'm looking for something clear, defined. I'm not enjoying the experience, I'm looking forward to what the experience brings me. I want the mountains to move for me. Some people just want to move them on their own. Raven rather see my love as what it is. Not at what it can bring. My love is something anyone can give her. She wants me in her life. Hey, who wouldn't want a definite pick-me-up that always attends to you? Someone like me that's like a common housepet, I'll never leave, I just need simple things, and I'll remain mostly oblivious to things. I do act up on occasion and that can be very, very stressful on her, but she makes sure she doesn't stay too attached. I'm not her life, I don't want to be, but she doesn't see the potential of what we can do for each other. Well, not as "clear" as I can. Mainly, cause she doesn't want to, and I'm hoping maybe she will, some time. I'm a dog. Even the illusion of it will keep me satisfied I bet, but I wonder if dogs know. Know what we think they don't. I see this predicament I'm in and I don't particularly like it, but I love her, and that's no excuse. That's no crutch. That's what I do. Heartbreaking, hopeless, chasing after nothing, whatever you call it, it's me, I'm not afraid of that fact. Maybe I'm the one trying to lap up the world Raven, sour bits and all, after all, I'm the dog.
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