 |
|
 |
|
 Latest
|
Diaryland |
|
2002-08-27 - 8:08 p.m. I'm feeling alone. I'm sitting in the living room. Father is sitting on the couch with the TV up way too loud, eating potato sticks changing the channel every five seconds. Mom is passed out on the other side of the couch. Brother is sitting at the dining room table, wondering what to do I guess. He probably wants to get online. Maybe I should stop. I feel so alone. I'm gonna help Raven move tommorrow. She woke me up from my too-late-in-the-afternoon nap. She just wanted to know when we were gonna start moo-vin. I asked her what she was up to. She said, "Hangin out with my friends." Which perfectly describes what she's done in a general sense, but it felt so like HER FRIENDS.....HER LIFE.....She doesn't need to get into any detail for me. She used too, but now........I don't know. It's like she already left me. I think I'm going down a road where I'm feeling the most alone I've ever been. I'm wondering is this what's needed for me? Do I need to shack up myself? Is this really just a "How you look at things" thing or is this whole feeling of aloneness is really REAL......I guess. God I love her. Waiting is probably the most hardest thing for me to do. I've stuck it out so far. It doesn't look any better on the horizon BUT is it just my perception of it all? I'm trying to stay calm but it's really hard not to roll around in anguish in my bed because I got enough of my own shit to deal with in school and other shit besides Raven, my friends, and my family. I'm in constant battle with myself. I'm my toughest critic. I'm relentlessly brutal towards hindering any motivation of myself. I could come up to you and give any good pep talk, but if I try to do it to myself, I know my tricks. I know my secrets. I know where I fold. I know where I tuck tail and run. I just want a hug. Raven gives really good ones.
|
|
 |
|
