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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-09-23 - 10:10 p.m. I dropped over 180 on Bmore club and Breakbeat records today. Damn. I spent the whole day with my main man, John. He's going to Sac-town soon. I'm gonna miss the lad, but it's not like he's gonna be out my life. He's my dawg. In other news, I'm doing okay-ish. I'm working on rebuilding. Raven is already up, up, and away with her new man. I'm jealous to say the least. Slug keeps me company with his lyrics, I too want to sleep with a body pillow, intentions were never short of being pure, but that's the price you pay when you try to live a little. Will he massage her feet in two months? Will he make breakfast for her? Will that spark be there in him long after the initial giddiness wears thin? I want to live. I want to win. I want to make moves that make shit happen. I want her to be treated like a princess, she deserves nothing less. I can't help feeling insufficient and having a feeling of losing a battle, but as long as time ticks and she and I are alive, it's not over, not the "war" so to speak. As much as I need to cope and move on in a way, I know she needs to too. She'll probably say this is just my negativity, but she can't evolve in a fantasy of sparks. Things that are raw need fire to cook. To soften, to develop flavor. What's wrong with me thinking this way? I love her with all my heart and my love for her will never be changed. Sometimes I wanna listen to Slug and just "Shake her hand" from a lover and a best friend, but I gotta watch her grow. I don't quite know if I could endure the pain it would be on my heart if she didn't. I got confidence she will. Maybe I'm like Gatsby, maybe I'll never be fufilled, but right now, THIS MOMENT, I feel this way and there's no bones about it? You gonna change me? YOU? Is this supposed to be my "wake-up" call? Well, she's having fun, I just hope she's learning too. I hope she isn't talking too much shit about me. She's probably too busy smooching though. She knows what that all leads too. I know, at least I think I know, from our relationship, that it's gonna come up. As for me, I got support, I'm doing fine, I've had a couple of bad moments, I bet she has too, eventhough she bounced back faster then a superball on concrete. I've realized alot. I've begun to set things in motion and as far as that, I'll shut the fuck up and just let the action do the talking. ACTION-SATISFACTION, she used to say. Words to live by I say. We'll be together again. Some way, some how, we'll both be on top of our games and if we aren't, I'll be more then willing to give a helping hand and I know to an extent she'll do the same. Our hearts are tangled, not in a binding, hurt sense, and I will never let anyone say it is, not even her and even harder still, myself.
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