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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-09-25 - 4:56 p.m. I'm in a funk, I've actually had time to kill today and I just purely vegetated. I wonder if I need that vegetation state? It's like drinking heavily, it's fun in the initial moments but you always, ALWAYS pay for it in the end. I got an abstract past due, I got a paper on Monday, another paper and a presentation to work on. I just feel shitty right now on top of all the other things going on in my life. Women woes, Friend moving away, not being able to get some sense of organization, trying to find out what Uncle P wants for his fucking B-day, Driving every fucking where, bills, and then I go waste my time like this?!?!? What the hell man! I wish I could just do without sleep but even then, I wouldn't know if I could manage my time correctly. I'm writing shit down for once, I'm trying to hammer out a daily gameplan, it's just gonna take some disipline......okay, lots of disipline, but right now, it's sink or swim, I need to swim, swim far away from all this bullshit I've been going through and work towards that righteous living. Things to be happy about: -Bmore club records to play with. -Loving, supportive friends and family. -clean clothes, nothing like it. -intelligent hip-hop lyrics. -noticing there's a visible floor in my room not covered by clothes n shit. -My Pit-Pat hat. -Stanton STR 8-80 straight arm turntables being less then 300 dollars. -I know it's gonna sound funny, maybe even disturbing to her, but.....Raven. I love her with all my heart, despite our situations, we've been through so much, (it doesn't get much easier either) I just love her, more then anything, anything in this world. I can't stop loving her, thinking about her, or caring about her. I know she wants me to turn it down, but what's the point? She can see right through me, right to the core. I guess she thinks in time, it'll fade. I think in time, she'll find out what she wants. She said she wanted time to herself, she kept saying she bounced to relationship to relationship, and there she is with Joey. I guess she needed that, that feeling of being free, she can't do anything in a tame sense, it'd be so uncharacteristic of her without putting vividness and color to her whole feeling of freedom. I don't know if she thinks she's changed, it seems to me like same old stuff really. Maybe Joey is just THAT wonderful. I must admit I don't think highly of the little that I know, being in my position and all, but it just seems she just jumped into this thing with this guy. Of course, I'm not her or this guy. It just seems she's in love with him because he says smooches, skibbies, and likes Batz-maru and Cookies n cream?!?!? She said he had good taste and couldn't get him to buy a tacky shirt? She's compromising her tackiness?!?! What in the hell is going on? I mean really, I wish them the best, especially Raven, because she is the apple of my eye and all, but, I guess I'm cocky, I guess I won't let things die down. At least I can sit, laugh, and bitch about them playfully. I don't know really. I'm just glad I don't worry about things like I did pre-Joey. I worry about new things, but hell, I got a new drive, a new direction and hell yes I'm taking it, I don't care if you think I'm not being fair to myself. I love Raven, I love the pants off her. She can deal, you can deal, I can deal. Just babble, with a wink and a nudge of truth. just enough to get by.
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