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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-11-24 - 1:55 a.m. I'm irate. I love home, where I come to get bitched at. I guess it ain't that bad, but bottom line, it's all uncessecary, and I'm a big pussy. I am a fucking monster. I invite people to spend time and company with me and I pass out in front of them and burden my brother with taking them home. What a dick I am. Putting this on my brother to drive Kevin back to his house, he didn't ask for it. No one wants to tap me on the shoulder and be like, "Hey, man you're dozing, take me home." or like "If you're gonna pass out, just don't even bother." No one ever does says that to me. Why? 'Cause I'm a huge asshole. A big dick. I'd get all hillbilly on them and shit that they are actually afraid of bringing up the simple fact that I'm a fuckhead to my attention. Why do they keep coming? I guess their far-reaching eyes can see a ray of hope in me deep amongst the depths of self-hatred. Maybe it's my bullshit charm and charisma, my half-ass stolen jokes and wit, or maybe I'm just a magnet for fucking cosmic irony and they can't help it at times. Just to think, I blame this all on a few years of bad sleep. It's so fucking laughable, it seems so fucking far-fetched, an increase in oxygen saturation in my blood will make me become a better person. Let's just face it folks, sleeping with or without a machine to help me breathe better, I'm just a loud mouthed prick. CPAP or not, the dick and asshole in me are not gonna leap out of me. Why the fuck, How the fuck............Have I made it this far and got with some really cool people and WASTED THEIR TIME? Why haven't died in a car accident? I was never popular in high school. All my friends will be happen to tell you about my negativity and my asshol-ish ways. Hell, two girlfriends blamed it on negativity. Raven blamed it on negativity and a whole buncha other stuff. Well, more justification for them. I'm just a black hole, your theories are correct, you can go on with your lives and turn away, 'cause truly, nothing left to see. CPAP..........Apnea..........Scapegoats I'm just a dick who should be fucking keeping to himself, in his own little world with his pictures on the wall, staring coldly right back at him, alone, in his pile of chaos, not getting good z's. That's where I stand. That's where I lay. Yeah, that's right, the meathead is really pissed about being what he is and hating it, somehow fucking himself into an infinity of being total asshead. This is the part where you turn away, snicker, and whisper to yourself "At least I ain't that fucker." Just be thankful for who you are because I let myself become this monster, this walking atrocity of humankind. Only a handful of people end up like this, you don't have to. I almost feel "Chosen" to do this dirty work for mankind. I'll gladly burn for you to set an example, because when I look in the mirror, I don't like the person I see. I am Tyler Durden, without the fighting ability, vastly without the good looks or clothes, and especially without those badass sunglasses. I'm just a figment of your imagination. Once I'm gone, all is forgotton. Some things need to be forgot about. Some things need to live and die alone. Some things, no matter how hard they try, cannot do good. My depression is grabbing me, holding on for dear life. I don't know what it's like, it's been so dark. I've lost friends, opportunities to better my life and my future, the love of all loves, so many fucking things from big to small forever lost in my history. I would die a thousand times to set things straight, to actually apply myself, to jump at opportunity, to love, to live, just that much more...I would die a thousand lifetimes. My life has been paralyzed by this darkness, from a world around me seemingly spotless and sunny for years, with no one to blame other then myself. I don't need a good night's rest, I need a miracle. And of course I feel like I don't deserve it.
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