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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-02-21 - 12:24 a.m. Mom, I thought of just making you a neat card or something for your birthday, but didn�t. I don�t even think I wished you a Happy Valentine�s day either. Seeing my track record, I�m usually good about these sorts of things but this time it appears I�ve not lived up to my standard. There�s nothing right now that I could buy or promise you (short of paying off the house or doing something outlandishly fantastic) that could even come close in repaying what I should of done in saying, �Happy Valentines� and �Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.� For that I�m sorry. I could give you some excuses and such but this is not about covering my own ass. The sheer feeling surrounding this entire period of guilt, frustration, and confusion in me, John, and to a lesser extent dad has been a catalyst for the most motivation I�ve felt in quite awhile. I�ve been quite lethargic lately even with my new found means of sleep and I�ve been beating myself up over every little facet of my life and the lives surrounding it. Being bogged down in all this confusion (Mostly self-inflicted) hasn�t been a pretty sight for me. I know we see less of each other nowadays and the current family situation screams of irony; seeing that we all live in the house again and only see each other a minute a day if that. It�s nothing we aren�t used to however. We would hardly mesh with what would be considered as a �textbook� family but we always kept it together in our own way regardless of convention or norms as a cohesive unit. We are always there for each other, we got each other�s backs, and we all contribute to the well being of each other. The feeling can be quite elusive at times, but it�s there, always, innate in our psyches. There�s no feeling greater then that kind of trust given from a loving family and I�ll always be aware of that regardless of how confused and frustrated I am. You are a big part of that. Hell, you are my mother. Without you, there would be no me. Quite literally, I�m eternally grateful for that. Not only did you spawn such a cute baby like me, you actually took care of me and loved me, which seems to be a rarer commodity seen and experienced in this day and age. Hell, you could of stopped at John, but ya decided to make one more. From what I know, raising one kid is hard enough, let alone two, two wiseass boys at that. You carried us around in your belly, birthed us, diapered us, clothed us, and fed us (very well I might add.) with every ounce of love and care humanly possible. Very awesome. So now, we�re grown, trying to figure our own stuff out, trying our best to move independently and freely throughout the big world a baby step at a time (and let me emphasize �trying� here.) but things start getting mixed up in this very transitional time, not only for us but for you also. It may seem that we�re all doing our own things at the moment and that sense of family might not be as apparently obvious as it once was. Any assumption that our sense of family is dwindling however couldn�t be further from the truth. Granted, we get frustrated and confused, get on each other�s nerves, and sometimes get downright angry at each other but we always keep it together. You are a big part of that. You�ve always had faith in me. I can always come to talk to you to hammer various things out. You�ve always trusted me. You raised me right and taught me so much about everything imaginable that it would be virtually impossible to fit in volumes upon volumes of books. You are the most hardest working person I�ve ever seen and you did a lot of it just to give the best opportunities to me. Your sacrifices have given me immeasurable amounts of freedom for which I can never truly repay. You even laugh at my bad jokes. You appreciate my weirdness. You make me eggs on top of the toast. You let me borrow the car. You pay a lot of my bills. Most especially, you put up with a lot of shit. I love to make you smile; I love to say, �I love you.� No matter what kind of mood I�m in, no matter how down on my luck, I always got a place somewhere special in my heart specifically labeled �Mom� where you can go. It�s always open, just like yours and you�re guaranteed to leave with a mind just that clearer, a smile just a bit brighter, and I�ll throw in a couple of laughs too. I learned life from one of the best, what can I say? You are the greatest mom in the world to me. The coffee cup wasn�t lying. Your Son, Mike
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