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About Me

beard stroker.
2003-04-30 - 10:40 p.m.

My day had it's ups and downs, but stayed on a consistant sullen level. I'm racked with thought then all shiested by something, then I'm all self-conscious the next. I kept most of it all in and when it seemed like I had something to say, it was just to joke or a time where I felt like I was just saying what was needed for acceptance/agreement. The only spark of the evening was talking about group, talking about making shit happen. It always feels good, doesn't it? On the verge of breaking something, a rallying morale boosting monologue. They're just words for now and whatever I think, stays for the most part tentative, especially in whatever I do.

There's alot of summer ahead. Lots to do, people to see, money to make. It no longer seems I'm behind trying to catch up, but it looks as if I'm in a horrible limbo of things. I lose track of time. It slows down and speeds up. Schedules don't seem like schedules. Time is hardly ever utilized or maximized.

Whatever I see outside of me, I encourage it when it needs it and when it needs advice, I give it the best and only ways I can. People listen, so I must be saying the right things, but I wonder how much comes from me, and how much comes from just reciting fortune cookie wisdoms to people.

People ask me of all sorts of things with the main topics being:

-Relationships (Dating, sex, etc.)

-Men

-Women

-and what can be best described as the transition of youth to man/womanhood.

It's almost funny to me at times, but I do take it seriously and that's quite a different departure from my normal cynical, off-beat jackassery. I can hardly consider myself a sage, unless it's mostly worthless dictated knowledge you are looking for. But anyways, I haven't been in any intimate relationship in ages. I've practically swore off indulgement of any sexual intimacy out of fear and caution towards others. My sexual prowess is that of a costume pimp, all show for I've self-proclaimed my own retirement from the world of flirting/dating/etc. The most I do is window shop briefly. I know I'm fooling myself to deny my very sexuality, but I'm not fooling myself when I know the rammifications of internal/mental strains in doing so. Retirement.

I hardly know myself. I'm terribly indecisive, looking for a yes/no. I can hardly get what I need to get across when my chips are really down. My mind is very exclusive and picky about it's clientel, even sometimes I don't get the backstage pass. My mind has man parts, but doesn't make me a full blown man.

Women, eventhough being a women studies major and actually talking to them, doesn't mean I'm a woman authority neither. I've learned they come in all shapes and sizes. All with differences and quirks. I might be a tad more sensitive then the Joe Schmo's out there, but that's no guaranteed guru position within the realms of getting with vessals brimming with estrogen. Closer then alot that could be, but even then doesn't mean it completes matters to be a sensitive man.

I am a muse of sorts with ideas. I can give you 10 right now, but that's only what I'm mostly good for in most situations it would seem. There's no real self-cultivation going on up there, very rarely.

So where does this advice come from? Where does it all go? There's a beard stroker.

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