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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-05-01 - 9:46 p.m. Nikki says I'm afraid. You know what? She's right. In my quest to be the "Master of my domain", well sort of, not so much sans-masturbation, but more celibacy, ('cause god gave me these thumbs specifically for that purpose of self-lovin'.) I realize many things. -I walk a very thin line. -Sexuality is natural. -I'm a 21 year old man with frequent rock hard erections. It complicates things you see, but my fear stems alot from my previous excursions and my last relationship. It's something I can't measure with others, but I do. My main concern is going in half-ass, which I don't want to do. I don't want some wild night, I want a wild woman. So what if I think she's the only one in my enviroment "Worthy" to be with? Why kid myself into taking anything away from it? Seriously, if I tried hard enough, I could get someone digging me hard, granted it might not be the prettiest, the most desired, or coolest, but it can be done, but that's not my concern, I want Raven, my model, my heart's reflection, a hearty equivalent of such. I know she reads this, I know everytime I talk to her she knows, I know every minute I breathe there's a moment where I think it's some cosmic fuck-up that has been bestowed on us. Patience. I see a part of Raven everyday, in me and out of me walking down the street. I told her from the first day, I'd never leave her again, and I meant it and I'll carry that promise to my grave and even after, I'll be her friendly ghost. She's always with me and no matter what, the next in line, if that should happen, has to deal with it. I don't see what's wrong with the pragmatic approach. I love her. I haven't seen anything yet that has walked into my life that has sparked that much immense interest. I could run around with her all day and get into adventures and I haven't found anybody yet that's down for action-satisfaction swashbuckling. I miss her. I miss sex, but I miss Chicken Adobo too and as much as I can ask my mom to whip up some adobo as easily as I can go get some sexual exploration from some cute grrl in my life, I won't, and I can deal with that. Yeah, man, it hurts and hell if I don't think about her and it all everyday of my life. Details. I'm just trying to make the best of it right now for a better tommorrow the best way I can. I'm not a saint going in or coming out. Some days I take steps forward, sometimes I take some back, but these are MY steps to take. I've got alot to improve and there's not a moment where I don't think seriously about these things and no matter how frustrating it is, I will make it somehow, shit will happen, mountains will move. In no way will I let my love be a burden. That's an uphill battle, but it's one I have to make. I can't tell you why people treat it as such, I don't know why people don't see what I see, but why should I even explain this to anyone? She doesn't like to be called a "princess" but that's just cute shit I say for the sake of a quick compliment. She don't want none of my favors eventhough she dead broke but I just do that shit 'cause I take care of my crew. She's hesitant when I say, "I love you." on the phone but I do that shit in case anyone forgot. What really matters to me holds no words worthy of description. She means so much to me and that and that alone is the impetus. I gotta alot of shit going on in my life and by god do I love to bitch about it, but what needs to be done will be done and I will take it all mistakes and failures included. I spend so much time trying to fit into models, making them and measuring up to them and I move at such a snail's pace and wonder "Why?" This shit is tough to deal with, but it will get dealt with. I'm no rugged individualist, but I still got hope and an army of people that give two shits about me and that's pretty much all I need to do the things I want to do. I'll listen to anybody, no doubt, and some of this shit almost got me convinced sometimes, but this is me, take it for what it is and I ain't changing it for anybody 'less I think I need it to be. So go ahead, I'm open to whatever. I just simply believe.
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