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Diaryland |
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2003-05-10 - 4:39 a.m. I have some overwhelming feelings that sway towards me thinking that I have serious anxieties and depression. So, initially I feel ironically empowered by knowing I have some sort of issue of helplessness in front of me to tackle. As I think more about it though, the more I try to separate myself from the crowds, the harder it is for me to reach any form of self-actualization. Depression is a fad. Scratch that, the TREATMENT of depression is a fad. Anxiety is just an awful by-product of lack of self-confidence. It seemed to me, for any sort of convincing, my mind and body have to be all alone, to see it separated from the perils of enviroment to enable me to believe I have said problems. That's stupid to think my shit is pomp and circumstance of the depressed folk though. And other then scientifics, where the hell else can I get a controlled enviroment in my life? I used to dismiss my feelings in relation through the help of values and privalage. My depression has it's costs through how many things that could of happened and passed and I would super-impose that over what I believed was the misfortunes of blown opportunity and failure amongst others. The severity of lost dreams and aspirations put on hold gave any and all depression the weight it needed to tip the scales in my mind. I always seemed to manage to find someone that was worse off then me to downplay any problem in my life. You get a certain type of ashamedness when you point out that your misfortune holds no consideration compared to the perils of the outside world. It's quite easy to make yourself feel bad about yourself feeling bad when you point out oppression, poverty, class struggle, etc. All great tools to polish your tarnished silver spoon back to sterling again. So for all intensive purposes, I am trying to transcend all these previous assumptions and approach my problem Tabula Rasa. Well, not exactly, but more in a dusty, wiped off chalkboard sense. More and more it seems I analyze my thought analysis itself to judge whether it's progressing forward or a sophisticated lamentation under a disguise of thought. Needless to say it's difficult but has all the symptoms of moving in the right direction, that I know of at least. ;)
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