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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-09-14 - 7:59 p.m. I feel detached, yet again. Detached from alot of things. Reality mainly. It's not self-medicated drugs. It's not abrupt tragedy triggering this mode. No lack of inaction giving me time to think about absence of any particular usefulness. Just something about worth. Value. A big picture and how I fit. I feel apart. I got no culture to be particular proud about or get oppressed about. I don't got some signifigant other that makes me feel part of a union. I don't really do enough to consider myself a major player in anything my friends do. I don't write the songs, but I'll throw you a word or two. I don't direct the movie, I'm the one just wearing the silly clothes in it. I don't make the beats, I just nod my head. I'm not reading the books, I just know the names. I got tons of jokes, but little of substance, more or less an addiction of constantly dwindling highs. I write here, and maybe my friends and strangers read, maybe they don't, but this is no book, I paid for some webspace but this holds no supposed worth ironically, even if it's my life splashed across entry after entry. I gain from this, maybe someone else gains from it too, but I sit here in times of progression and depression and this is no genuine article. Just a retelling, of what really? I'm lost. I got all this around me, but I stand very much alone. I feel very much moved to be self-reliant and individual. I don't remember the last time I was really part of something, well scratch that, I do remember. But that left me what seems like lifetimes ago. I begin to see myself further apart from things. Apprehensive in one hand and struggling to make my own name in the other. Basically, I put myself in an indecisive, introspective standstill. I have plenty of words for the worlds passing me by. I have no shortage of ideas buried within me. At times like this, it's pointless and I just want to shut the fuck up permanently, but I'm still buying. It's inherently wrong, to live like this and to die to escape it. Either way, I'm dishonorable, losing face for seemingly nothing that means everything to me.
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