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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-11-10 - 8:06 p.m. I'm so very tired. I feel very inactive. It's been like this at this very same time in the semester since I started college. It's hard to shake old habits. It's highly stressful for me and I know I know I know what it all is, but I sit and wait for something to come calling on me again. Sometimes, little things do come out the woodwork, but nothing that could be deemed "important" to the powers that be. I'm dead tired of commodifying myself. Why is it that I have to look at everything I do as a type of human currency with finite values? It gets restless thinking you ain't doing enough or why your heart isn't into something that you're supposed to be diving head first in. It's damn rough. My desires begin to feel like they are being guided by that "invisible hand" that dictates the market. I look further into myself and I see even when I try to think freely I'm just doing what I've been told, riding on the waves of other people's thoughts, and I see scarce personal accomplishment. I run through repitition after repetition. I don't feel anything pure anymore. I feel very broken and hurt. It makes me restless to the point of shaking. I felt like just shaking last night. Like a crippling anxiety and panic creeped up on me before I caught the banned episode of THE FAMILY GUY and even with that funny shit, it didn't calm me the least. It's a new sensation for me. I don't recall ever feeling that way ever. I'm used to that depressing, self-defeating feeling I get. It's a peculiar one. It starts from the back of my neck and runs down the arms and spine and almost feels like a wave of goosebumps. It's like my brain is releasing some sort of chemical to make me feel hopeless at that moment. It's a very familiar feeling to me and I can forecast it with sharp accuracy. I wonder if anyone else gets that. It's really obvious and seems weird to me, since it's a very animated physical sensation that's triggered by just a mental feeling. Like it's an involuntary trigger that's been happening quite frequently and is very exact and distinct everytime. I need some sleep. I'm behind in sleeping. I got alot of shit to do. I can't sleep for that long.
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