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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-11-15 - 8:49 a.m. She called last night. When I was about to sleep, she rang on my cell phone. I get worried when she calls me now. It feels like there's no other good reason to call me unless something bad has happened. I'll stop whatever I'm doing to talk to her, even if I'm so choked up to say little of anything. Whenever I see her on my caller ID, it's like I spring to attention, eventhough in a common observation of my life, it seems that's all she is in my life, a name and number on caller ID and nothing more. She called me anyways to ask me a dumb trivia question of all things. She asked me who was the DJ who made "Wave Twisters." My favorite DJ savior of course. Shit, she could of gone online and typed that shit up. Needless to say, I'm hot about all this and I gotta take medicine to fucking sleep after that and don't even get to bed for another hour and a half. I could of just cried in my bed, god knows there was a point where I wanted to. I got a strong and sudden surge of depression throughout my body and anger kept me up all night. I wasn't gonna cry for her. Nah, that's not how I go out. I'm not making myself a chump, laying in my own bed, sobbing alone in the dark about my situation. Nope, I don't go out like that. I haven't cried for her for over a year now. I didn't cry for her when we sat in the truck and she was singing "Set Me Free" by the Kinks. I didn't cry when I helped her move that same night and dropped a box of all my love notes and letters and she said, "Don't worry, it's just a bunch of junk." I didn't cry when we sat on the back porch that one night alone while my friends hung back in the basement. I didn't cry sitting in her living room in silence with her. I didn't cry alone in my truck after dropping her off on numerous occasions. There's no use crying for her all alone. Even if she was right next to me, my cries would go unheard. I don't want to cry for someone who doesn't want to listen. Before she called, I was telling myself "After you lie next to someone, you can never get used to sleeping alone ever again." My bed is extra cold and big with lots of empty space. Maybe I should sleep with body pillows, but it's like I'm in an experiment to see if my hypothesis is wrong. You think I got baggage? You should see what's flung over her shoulders. She's stronger in that category then I could ever be. She knows I see it and she knows whatever she does, I'll be there for her and listen, to help her take that load off her shoulders. As for me, at least I know that I'm worthwhile to her for stupid ass trivia questions.
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