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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-12-09 - 10:11 a.m. I don't even know why I even tried to look for help. It's hopeless. I make the intiative to call these people and they tell me to get in touch with my HMO doctor, so I can get a referral to go see another doctor from within my plan, scheduling appointment this and appointment that. To see if I need psychiatric this n that. It'll probably take weeks maybe even months for that shit. It took me over a half a year to get bi-pap and they knew how bad I was, blood oxygen levels so low that they actually put me on oxygen, BUT it took them six months for the doctor to say it was bad and another 2 weeks after to get them my machine. I feel like shit right now and even when you're doing this bad, all the person over the phone can say is "good luck." "Good Luck." Really? Gee, thanks. I ain't crying for these people either. No, I don't think I'll hurt anybody. No, I don't think I'll hurt myself......physically at least. Mentally, jesus christ I'm over the edge. This is pointless. No wonder people don't look for help. It's degrading. I can't take this shit no more. Even when you downright asking for help, you gotta go through paperwork and you get a good luck along the way. Fuck this shit. I think i'm doing what I've always said I was gonna do, but really, I haven't really had a real thought in awhile now. It's all bullshit in my head. I can't stand it, I will not tolerate myself around these people I love and these people that have concern for me. It's my problem and I don't want them to think, "oh gee, that's really bad isn't it. He was acting a little strange.....but I didn't know...." I want them to know, there's nothing you could of done, what's done is done and that's that. I can't open myself up at your convience and I can't assume you want me to either. I was never a patient man, especially with all this simple and stupid shit on my mind. I fucking hate emotions. They seem so fake to me. I can make a joke and have everyone fooled. I can put on a sad face and people will say "What's wrong?!?" I think about all the ways I could describe how I feel to a shrink and look for the juiciest words. I train myself to manufacture my thoughts and ideas. Everything in my mind is premeditated like a well-planned murder to kill these demons inside of my head. Shit, I ain't even the trained actor in the family, that's my brother, but I sure knock them dead with my wit.........but when did that add up to anything? That's not a job, that's not education, that's not money. I don't have one genuine thought in my body anymore with the exception of self-hate. I hate putting myself in fear. I hate paralyzing my thoughts. I hate running away. I hate looking for help. I hate what I am, what I do, and what I stand for. I don't think they're ever be a good reason for it and that's the damn shame of it all isn't it? *note, I read this back to myself 3 times to make sure I got it right. I'm a selfish fuck, hamming it up for this big act and scam. Sincerely Yours, Mike PS God knows where I'll be tommorrow. Even this seems a little drastic for me, but I'm tired of thinking about what i'm gonna do, I'm just tired. You know I'm too lazy to kill myself. You know I'm too nice to hurt anybody. How is it that you know me so well when I can't even figure out who I am my own damn self?!? I don't feel anything anymore and what I do feel, I consider to be fake. Now I wonder, how much is this an act and how much is this real? I don't even got the balls to do anything drastic or anything in general. I don't follow-through, I don't finish. I revel in pointlessness and you know what that is, "A damn shame." Just a few papers and some measley feelings and a little bit of sleep deprivation. What a fucking sad life I lead.
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