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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-12-18 - 11:52 p.m. Yeah, I broke the news and it was hard. I cried longer and harder then I've ever cried before. It's been so long and god knows how many times I just balled up my fists and held this shit back. It all came out. My parents were pissed straight away. My father especially, I said something wrong about not caring about how many credits I had. I literally shattered my parents dreams over this. They've wanted me to go to college, have a white collar job, and have it easier then they ever did. He said I was selfish and lied and lied and lied. He said the only things I care about is "(me, me, me)" and they've sat there and accepted it willfully and trusting. He's right, I did lie. I am technically being selfish. My father thought that I never tried hard enough or committed to anything, basically, and basically, up to now, he's right. He started talking about his drunken father and about the chances he never had and how he sucked it up and persevered. My feelings of complaint and irritation were selfish and hurtful to their eyes, because they've worked so hard on me to give me so much. I told him what feelings I had were that of guilt and shame. I don't want them to waste their money or time. He thought I wasn't being grateful, but he still gave me a chance. One last chance though, and for good reason. I know he's obviously pissed about it, but he understands that I gotta start owning up to myself and he's got to start letting it happen whether he likes it or not. Other then pointless information, talk about work, or retirement, this is the most personal information I've gotten from my father in years. There cannot be any bullshit between us now. I can't lie and make excuses or live in fear. I got to be fearless. I got to get shit done. My father said the reason I was depressed was that I never did get anything done, and with results, my depression would go away. With planning, my happiness will come. I think my happiness will come in sharing with them again and getting film projects and music done. I think it's time that they see the films and videos for once. I came up with simple equations for myself: Me + Electrician Apprenticeship = Money (working for pay while apprenticing and learning a good trade), less cost for school (800 dollars a year) Money = funding for production of films AND becoming self-sufficient I don't want to be a starving artist or try to save the world for a paycheck. Work an honest 9 to 5 and when I come home, it's cut and dry whether the job is done or not, and I'll be able to support myself, have time and a suitable amount of loot for my passions. It's time to just let what I do answer the "Whys?" for me. This is the first step. Many more to follow.
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