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2004-01-04 - 9:51 p.m. Alright, let's get loose. CHAMPIONS OF COURAGE!!!!!! UNITE!!!!!!!! Now, you must be wondering what the CofC is? Well, let me explain. The CofC was created officially, around 10pm last night, in the midst of a drinking "event" which is any alcoholic binge, usually done as a group at a social gatheering with a ludicrous amount of alcohol or insane alcoholic beverage(s) and concoctions. Last night, after Nick and I did the standard MO at a party......split a case of Red Stripe and drink wine and other people's beer. We got to a "special" place after awhile and we were only 6 hours into a 30 hour party. Nick was feeling good and I was getting there in a good way. We cleared the case of good beer and some wine quite easily and with little fuss, but we had something on our minds, something big.....something extravagently ghetto. THUNDERBIRD. Now, okay, you've heard shit about MD 20/20, maybe even CISCO, or WILD IRISH ROSE, and those pussy ARBOR MISTS........Hell, if you're an officianado of ghetto beverage, you'd even know about the infamous and highly elusive NIGHT TRAIN. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND HOWEVER THAT THUNDERBIRD TOPS THEM ALL IN THE REALM OF GHETTO DRINK. It stands alone as the end all be all of the ghetto wine experience. With it's 17.5% alcohol by volume and it's total absence of any masking of it's pungent hi-octane gas flavor, it cannot be rivaled in the realm of ghetto beverage challenges. No one in their right minds drink this for taste or leisure. THUNDERBIRD IS AN "AMERICAN CLASSIC" - BREWED BY DEMONS, IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL. "What's the word? THUNDERBIRD!" "What's the price? FIFTY TWICE!" Yes, the almighty THUNDERBIRD is nothing to look leisurely at, even in a group situation, like the one we encountered last night. Nick and I split the case of beer at the liquor store and he wanted to get festive with "wine" so to retort I got festive with "my wine" which happened to be a 1.5L (50oz.) jug, a fucking jug of the almighty drink of demon spawn. To the time we brought it to the counter, the comments started. "Damn, that's all for you?!?" "Is that for the football game?!?" We were turning heads even before we purchased the hooch. People at the party gasped in horror as they saw in the fridge, the same very fridge with their hoppy ass beers, stood in front of them, a full-fledge jug of pure hellfire, HELLFIRE, HELLFIREEEEE!!!!!!! Nick and I instantly got reactions pulling the poison out of the brown bag. "Oh, it'll be gone tonite, ladies and gents." Nick and I proceeded to "moderate" ourselves on the Red Stripe case and try to sell to all the party goers..."THUNDERBIRD.....IN THE FRIDGE......FUCK THAT PLUM WINE BULLSHIT!!!!!" We were taunting the crowd with it and getting more rowdy after every single Red Stripe we were drinking in "moderation." We put the fear on them, because Nick and I both knew from our drinking experience, that the THUNDERBIRD isn't something to be mocked. Our lips have never touched THUNDERBIRD, that pungent demon piss that we've only heard about in Blaster "Al" Ackerman stories and legends scared us to death and the only way to stand up to it was to recruit others to kill the mighty jug with us through peer pressure-which mainly amounted to calling people "sissies" and "nanny boys." Jim, our first recruit, became intrigued to tackle the demons of hell in the jug with us after I urged him to be "A CHAMPION OF COURAGE!......NOT A PUSSY!" Kristen's brother joined in solely off that recruitment. Another die-hard, Doug was no pussy and instantly took on the challenge of THUNDERBIRD. We had five horsemen, five CHAMPIONS, waiting courageously for the 12th hour of the 30 hour party to pass.........that was D-day, Nick almost didn't make it, the case and the bottle of his wine almost took him out of the initial invasion, but Nick, being a grand general and strategist of drunkology, perservered and in true Hillbilly fashion asked to "bring that shit on mang!!!!" Being already shitfaced thoroughly, I knew I needed to pull it together for the "final push." I felt like trembling when the solo cup was handed to me. Nick cracked open the jug of pure whoop-ass and started pouring. The bouquet, to the average drinker could overwhelm you alone, but we stood like rocks. I could tell Jim wanted no part in this anymore, but he pushed on and he pushing on made me want to bite down and hard on the drunken mindset and drink this shit like water. The first hit touched my lips........First thought........89 octane.......Burning......no citrus, pure pain. You can actually strip paint with it I'm guessing and it's probably hazardous to your skin. All our faces winced at the taste and we all winced at our winces, and people made faces at our winces that just made us shake our heads in disbelief. NO! This can't be! *sip* GOD DAMN THAT'S HORRIBLE! Jim instantly started to slur his speech after the first unapologetic swig. Later on into the night and into the morning, it turns out he didn't finish his cup but got the worst hangover. My drunken pride wouldn't let me not leave my glass hanging. Nick, who was at his drunken hillbilly APEX got the logic of, "Man, this shit is horrible........BETTER DRINK IT ALL IN ONE SWIG!" Needless to say, we lost Nick for hours after that. Kristen's brother passed out face down on the floor with his boots on. Before he crashed to rock bottom, it was overheard that he was yelling at the computer extensively for not ejecting CDs........Big Doug, he disappeared upstairs and no one got a peep of him until the afternoon of the next day. He shrugged off his drunken condition in defiance, reaching for a PBR (AKA "afternoon de-lite") after he got up in a John Wayne-esque fashion. As for me, I spent the rest of the night trying to sleep carnie style on some hard ass floor, drifting in and out of "drunkard" sleep without my sleep machine and severely dehydrated and heartburned. Feelings of vomit went on throughout the night. We all were CHAMPIONS OF COURAGE as far as I'm concerned. No one won, or lost, but only champions remained. I drank the devil and lived to tell the tale. CHAMPION OF COURAGE!!! Are you one??!!
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