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Diaryland |
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2004-09-28 - 1:41 p.m. The other day, I thought of maybe asking a grrl out......I don't know why........just out of the blue...........while I was at work, paying attention to nothing. I thought of one grrl in particular during this whole ordeal, but I deconstructed the the issue piece by piece during my 12 hour shift and came to the conclusion............ There's no chance in hell........ Well, of course there's always a chance and I could bet you she'd love to at least date with me. So it's obviously not an attraction issue or confidence thing.......frankly, I was breaking it down in my head of how I was gonna break it down to her and playing out the first date scenarios like some great mack tactician. She would fall right into my hands.......I know little or nothing about her, but I've always known there was something goings on between us that sort of urged something more. .......You're fucking kidding yourself if you think it'd work. Then I looked at it realistically. Chances are, I'm busy with shit, lots of shit in the coming weeks and the shit never stops. Frankly, the moments where I unwind and dine......I'm still all about business, in constant thought or some sort of dispute in my head over some sort of scheme of self- or group- cultivation. The last time I had the time to look at something and just think of just how beautiful they were........I had no other notions in my head, not a care in the world and I intended to make that my goal-to keep it that way. But seriously, I cannot forsee me getting out of all these upcoming obligations from others and those that come from myself to become oh so suddenly null and void to the pursuit of some quest to intimacy and "love" between me and another person, which I fear would be the case......I may of been through this and that, but truly I'm still the "naive" and "innocent" and dare I say, "Cock-strong" lover in many respects. .......I'll try to notice beauty next time I'm driving down the road or taking another breath....... And another thing, I would most certainly have to clean up in some way. From all the endeavors I invest myself in, I sacrifice all the duties of normal living that I deem non-essential: Keeping my room clean, eating right, taking care of my body, some elements of hygiene, anything that goes past underarm deodorant and the occasional powder are out of the question. Haircuts, personal grooming.....blah blah blah.......but you see, I would feel bad if I didn't try to put my "best foot forward" in an attempt and if I gather the strength to even accomplish this goal........it's alot of fucking work that I see no chance in hell of completing without numerous and tedious difficulty. ......I don't try to play games anymore and put on costumes....... It seems my life is hanging on a thin thread-invested in things ultimately draining and near sacrifical to my well-being, but I endure. Come to think of it now, the kinda inspiration to clean your ass up to go get with someone can be powerful enough to make black folks turn white, atheists into christians, and a set of brass balls into soft boiled eggs. That power alone might be beneficial to my well being and speed up the progress of current endeavors through inspiration and admiration and the like..... .....but I still.....ain't feelin' it. She doesn't seem like an intellectual equal but I ain't holding it against her.......she's open minded from what I can tell.........I don't really see common interests at the surface.......just a pretty face smiling back at me is all. So primal with hopes behind our eyes that you couldn't decipher between the desires of hard fucking or getting to know ya (some would argue that they are one in the same.) ........I bet the fucking part would be great though........ I'd tear that ass up like it was conjugal visit and I was on death row........it would be the most wonderous 1 minute and 31 seconds of her life.........that's just an estimate, it's been so long, I'd probably just explode on contact......but in all seriousness, I forgot how to kiss and makeout, so i'd probably drool on her or something, it's just been too long. I'd probably just shake at the sight if it ever came to that and be as nervous as I was that first time long ago. .......I'd probably be a "Two-pump-chump." But yeah, I don't think the mystery is killing me to find out a conclusion to the motives of her smile and her eye contact and I got lots of shit on my mind.......probably just a clever distraction that did catch me off guard momentarily .......but my retirement still stands. I feel good writing about it, because it's beautiful how a mind wanders, many I assume would believe this to be the precursor to something "happening" in my life again, but to that, all I can say is, "It does you no justice to say I TOLD YOU SO, and makes little or no satisfaction in worrying about my affairs in such a manner.......it's heartwarming in a way, but troublesome in bothersome in another. .......take it from Master P, "There's more to life then Bitches, Weed, and Mercedes."
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