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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2004-10-28 - 5:08 a.m. it's 5am and I'm trying to get drunk before bed. I attempted to make a beat today............wasn't happening. I'm going to NYC over the weekend, and to tell you the truth, I'm not that excited. The last time I had a good time up there was a high school drama trip in which Big Kev and I bought cool sunglasses and I got a drunken Kungfu book, and while everyone else in our class watched "Saturday Night Fever" -(....that is AFTER my group got lost in Brooklyn somehow....)Kevin and I met my cousin and chilled and Bambi (my cuz)stowed away on the bus back home. I intend to buy some records, but I'm seriously not psyched, not like John L. or Brian.......I'm just basically like, "okay" and Everett is coming with us only because he has to pick up a car he left in NY......Everett, always the Utilitarian....... I'll probably call cousin and this kid Anthony.......we'll probably spend most of our time lost or looking for a place to stay, but everyone else but me would mind because IT'S NEW YORK CITY! I think when I'm in the record stores, I'll be fine, but as far as just walking around New York and seeing everyone in their fancy shoes......it's lost it's appeal. Brian, always on the endless search for poon, will have his patience tested, driving up 3 DJs who intend to dig and dig religiously, while god knows what in the hell he does.......the thing about Brian, he's thinking about two things always: The next place where he's gonna eat......AND.......the next lady he's gonna try to fuck. You gotta respect that no matter how fucked up it sounds......he does his job well. New York City is too busy for my soul truly. I'll probably get drunk and crack jokes to ease the pain.......Brian thinks that John L. is gonna go buckwild, popping his NYC cherry and all. I'll probably end up drunk yelling at him for not rubbing his shit up on some latina's ass in whatever fucking club we'll end up at. I sense something completely random and ridiculous will turn up. I don't know if it's gonna be good or bad, but it'll probably be memorable enough to talk about it for years to come.......my guess. Brian and John-I think both look at this trip as like a glorious change of scenery........I just see it as NYC.......nothing special, same shit I think about here will be thought about over there.......no biggie. I won't find unforseen love, kinship, brethren, or trouble........overpriced records most likely........but I don't want to put a damper on their parade, but seriously, In my old age, I begin to grow tired of spectating worthlessly over shit I've done seen.....Brian is pretty much a one dimensional character......I love him and hate him for that. John L. is like an exchange student that first discovers pussy, drugs, and rock n' roll all at once.......god help him. Everett just thinks about what's most utilitarian and goes with it...and when he can't get crafty, he'll smoke up to forget about the downtime. Me, on the other hand........I'm basically cold in a sense. Not in the way I think I've done and seen it all, (because most definitely, there's endless possibilities in any situation....) but in the respect I think I have and willed only so much to attempt.......and in most cases, done so badly. There are times in my life where I feel like a car without the Drive gear. Everyone else is put-puttering along or already in 5th around the oval, and I haven't even turned the key. As the days go by, I even wonder if I got the keys to even start the engine.........I get further convinced that I'm merely "Pit crew" maybe. I see alot of the world as pit crew. In the pits of the world. Getting dirty, in the trenches, the underfunded, underappreciated, nuanced among the collective shit.....essentially diamonds in the rough that have no luster, that lack that unmistakablely obvious glow of manufactured beauty. Maybe it's because I see what I selectively want to...I've increasingly caught the habit of ceasing to believe blindly into the obvious.....and with each passing day it gets more and more familiar, I suppose like the regulars at a dive bar, drinking the same drinks, sitting in the same spots, gone so far away from home, clinging to the one refuge that they have left. I feel my thinking has gone obvious. Ironically, I have fell into the very thing I ran from. I am no different then the comfortable, my very methods to combat the incoming onslaught of how to be have become outdated and turned into a discipline in itself. 50 years old in a leather jacket riding in a Harley......."least I can still laugh and afford it." I bet they say. I'm convinced this is the mind's natural progression, essentially there's nothing wrong with the mechanics.......it's merely will and perception, (the process) that leads you to that mid-life crisis car or token wife, that religious crusade, or god help you even, "Fantasy Camp." The only thing is though, I can't help but look at it as nonsense more and more. Even when I'm serious, I'll soon find out I'm joking, and when I'm joking, it's only because someone takes themselves seriously. It's tough to get things done when you're bowled over in laughter and it's tough to follow through when nothing makes sense...........what a fucking rough rope with no slack shit is that? My mind is closed and not in the sense that it closed and I refuse to learn openly and freely, but in the sense that it's closed to judgement........unless you piss me off of course............and that doesn't regularly happen in the joint solitude of the regulars meditating their own lives away like monks in a sanctuary, fixated on the most mundane and bland of things and accepting that and that alone as peace and tranquility. .......In essence, I think Ryan would say, "THIS IS WHY THE WORLD SUCKS." -*note, Mr. Graham, this video will be watched.......one day........oh yes.
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