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Late words..........late nights.
2004-12-08 - 5:20 a.m.
Huggybear747: It's a miracle to some that we even still talk
Huggybear747: nope.
graffitidoux: fuckers!
Huggybear747: I know.......
Huggybear747: what gives
graffitidoux: it is a miracle to some?
graffitidoux: like WHO?
graffitidoux: man, peops need to step off.
graffitidoux: i got the fury.
graffitidoux: of the pen. but really it is the keyboard now coz i am digi.
graffitidoux: and i will SLANDER them.
Huggybear747: Like everyone who thinks after some breakup like that, people would just hate each other furiously
graffitidoux: was the break up that bad?
graffitidoux: i mean, i know i was a wildin out slutster so i guess it was pretty bad. in hindsight.
Huggybear747: I just think it was drawn out.......hit me profoundly though
Huggybear747: You were Raven, I was me.....leave it at that
graffitidoux: it all seems really really long ago.
graffitidoux: hazy.
Huggybear747: 3 lifetimes to be exact
graffitidoux: fuzzy.
Huggybear747: Should be
graffitidoux: time is funny like that.
Huggybear747: I don't take any of it back
graffitidoux: yet i remember comparing a chick's tits to wild ponies in eighth grade.
graffitidoux: time is tricky.
Huggybear747: Well, I must admit alot of it was probably forgettable
Huggybear747: Frankly, I was half asleep with you
Huggybear747: It's all a dream to me
Huggybear747: .......I guess that's the only thing I would think of taking back
Huggybear747: .........being asleep
graffitidoux: no take backs.
Huggybear747: I only said THINK
graffitidoux: how it was affects how it is in crazy subtle ways.
Huggybear747: You did alot of things to me, you know that........and I thank you for it
graffitidoux: let's see if we are going to be regretful, what would i take back IN THEORY?
graffitidoux: hmmmm.
Huggybear747: even the bad shit
graffitidoux: HMMMM>
graffitidoux: being so indiscrete?
graffitidoux: no.
graffitidoux: not even that.
graffitidoux: i can't do take backs. it's my life policy.
graffitidoux: i can feel regret though.
graffitidoux: that used to be off limits too.
Huggybear747: Raven, you know what you were like to me, this woman today was talking about being born again christian, you were like the bible of life to me
graffitidoux: it's funny, i don't feel like i did bad shit. but when i think about it, i guess i did.
Huggybear747: you showed me the way
graffitidoux: i wonder if i'm amoral.
graffitidoux: i was a juggernaut.
Huggybear747: and I tried to be subservient to that fact......I worshipped you for that
graffitidoux: i just could not stop.
graffitidoux: well, i'm no anais nin. i mena, she was a bigamist.
graffitidoux: that's a lot to live up to.
Huggybear747: When I should of just learned to love myself, you tried.....whether you'd admit it or not
Huggybear747: And i thank you greatly for it
Huggybear747: I remember you said one time, when you were making out with me, that it felt like I was your brother........I hated that before.........but now I cherish that.........I like it very much to be your brother
Huggybear747: no email.......
Huggybear747: ain't that a b
graffitidoux: i said that.
graffitidoux: bwahaha!
graffitidoux: i have such stunning tact.
Huggybear747: try [email protected] or [email protected]
graffitidoux: it was sent.
graffitidoux: you would think at this hour it would have been there by now.
graffitidoux: low traffic and all.
Huggybear747: you said alot of things to me.......
graffitidoux: what is up with those emails?
graffitidoux: geez louise.
Huggybear747: I don't know
graffitidoux: gmail baby
graffitidoux: do you still smoke?
Huggybear747: a little
graffitidoux: sent.
Huggybear747: I had some cloves from Everett this evening
graffitidoux: evy.
graffitidoux: mannnnn.
Huggybear747: You talk to me and it's forgettable, but Everett.......it's bad news bears
graffitidoux: every time i hear his name, i am torn between wanting to see him, and not wanting him to see me.
graffitidoux: kinda like, observing from a far.
graffitidoux: what do you mean?
Huggybear747: You know, Everett is the same person........will always be Everett
graffitidoux: well i certainly cannot help that he was my very first 'real' boyfriend.
Huggybear747: You build it up to be a big deal, he'll probably be like, "hey.."
graffitidoux: and that we dated for a good chunk of my teen years.
graffitidoux: i'm sure he'll be like hey
graffitidoux: and it'll be really weird and vaguely awkward.
graffitidoux: and we will say all the dumb shit that people who have not seen each other in over 5 year say.
graffitidoux: and that is worse than not ever seeing him, i think.
Huggybear747: Well, if you want to talk about him to me......you're wasting your time frankly.....
Huggybear747: reading
graffitidoux: what do you mean?
graffitidoux: sorry you bring him up and then i'm like 'oh yeah!'
graffitidoux: and then i remember.
Huggybear747: means like I'm reading
graffitidoux: coz i don't ever think about him to be honest.
graffitidoux: you got the emails?
Huggybear747: yeah
Huggybear747: reading now
graffitidoux: ill
Huggybear747: trying to
graffitidoux: sorry. carry on.
graffitidoux: you can type insights in le box and i'll save them
Huggybear747: It's only my guess, but it sounds like a page out of your own book
graffitidoux: it is the autobiography
Huggybear747: Sounds like it
graffitidoux: but that boy is 90,000X more charming than any skater i knew.
graffitidoux: so it is highly fictionalized.
Huggybear747: I can imagine
graffitidoux: for instance, i was not a smoker in h.s. neither was the school nurse, to my knowledge.
graffitidoux: i also had friends, unlike the girl in this story.
graffitidoux: she has absolutely no one, except this kid.
graffitidoux: but i get into that later.
Huggybear747: When I read it, it's like your kicking me in the teeth.......I like that....very demented and direct style
graffitidoux: also she is much smarter than i was.
graffitidoux: it is how a strange, lonely 16 year old girl would talk.
graffitidoux: kicking in the teeth, i like it.
Huggybear747: You got that fury
graffitidoux: it's funny, i like this better than just about anything i've ever written, and all i do is type. a few edits. but mostly it's intact.
Huggybear747: very bam bam bam
graffitidoux: i think the voice is very much like my own.
graffitidoux: you know, the voice of the stoyr.
graffitidoux: story.
Huggybear747: That's why I see you all up in it
graffitidoux: where as everything else is in this dream voice...my fiction.
graffitidoux: i am also trying to lay off the metaphors.
graffitidoux: i tend to write in crazy chain metaphors.
graffitidoux: but i am striving for a bit of that 'hard boiled' style that haruki murakami, raymond chandler, and erika lopez have.
Huggybear747: Well, that's how teens think I think......I can't remember how teens think maybe
graffitidoux: any suggestions?
Huggybear747: I don't know what style you're worrying about more, just keep on doing the same stuff you're doing, it's fine.....
Huggybear747: keep kicking people in the teeth
graffitidoux: like i said it flows.
Huggybear747: Like you make things sound like something outrageously truthful but make people offended when they read it.......they mouth the words and it makes they're teeth click.......keep it brutal like that
graffitidoux: but i have to get into the hardboiled mindset, rather than dream metaphor mindset.
graffitidoux: everything is truthful.
graffitidoux: i mean, it's how i saw shit as a 16 year old.
graffitidoux: but filtered through a better vocabulary.
graffitidoux: i can't quite shut down my vocab, sort out exactly what 16 year old raven would have said.
graffitidoux: plus i probably wouldn't have been too coherent.
Huggybear747: Well, you know what you were thinkin'.........without all the "Yaknowhatimsayin's" back then
Huggybear747: no one else did
graffitidoux: i keep trying to think of how i talked as a 16 year old, and it's really really hard.
Huggybear747: but you always did
graffitidoux: did i?
Huggybear747: Well, it's your mind.......
graffitidoux: geez i felt like i was talking out of my ass a good chunk of the time.
graffitidoux: yay mania! makes you into a raging hypocrite whether you want to be or not.
Huggybear747: Try not to worry about it
Huggybear747: Just write like you don't give a fuck just like we never gave a fuck back in the day
Huggybear747: raw and nasty
Huggybear747: you start forgiving yourself, you're gonna lose that voice
graffitidoux: nah i won't lose it.
graffitidoux: i just want to refine it some.
Huggybear747: you can think about it in detail, analyze it, break it down, what have you, but don't think for a second it ain't yours to write
graffitidoux: not in the sense that it loses it's rawness, but in the sense that i am actually....
Huggybear747: Do it after well n' finished
graffitidoux: how do i put this?
graffitidoux: extricating the rawness, distilling it.
graffitidoux: i don't just write something all the way through.
graffitidoux: that has never been my style.
graffitidoux: i write a few pages and i edit them.
graffitidoux: it sets the tone for everything else.
Huggybear747: Well, you should try it one day........have a solid foundation before you build a house, you'll write much faster
graffitidoux: i don't want to write faster, i want to write better.
graffitidoux: and as i'm writing, i am also thinking about what i just wrote, so i'll get a good idea of how to put something better, and i have to go back and change it write then.
Huggybear747: Well, I see it as this, you write a few, edit it, with every edit, you go further and further away from an original vision sometimes
graffitidoux: i wonder if i published this shit, even as a zine, if people would read it.
graffitidoux: i don't lose my vision, i refine it.
Huggybear747: People read.........you write..........something's bound to happen
graffitidoux: see, i just don't write like most people, nor like any writing book i've read.
graffitidoux: i can only work on spurts, and i must bang out one scene, edit that to perfection, lay off for a while then go onto the next scene. maybe do some tweaking with earlier stuff, but mostly i am done with it.
Huggybear747: I got no problems with refining........just sometimes, you delude yourself into some place at the end and you don't even remember how you started
Huggybear747: it's just something to consider
graffitidoux: i also do not write chronologically.
graffitidoux: i feel like i write like a director makes a movie.
Huggybear747: you do fine as it is
graffitidoux: i have a whole story arc.
Huggybear747: Well, that's out of consideration for restraint......not for vision
graffitidoux: now i am writing the many many scenes i have envisioned.
graffitidoux: here's what i do in a nutshell, my fucking craft:
graffitidoux: i conceive of an idea.
graffitidoux: i write a little, get frustrated and leave it be for a few months.
graffitidoux: during those months i get visions of scenes.
graffitidoux: i generally remember these.
graffitidoux: eventually, through some spontaneous process, i create a story arc.
graffitidoux: if i can't do that, i'm fucked.
graffitidoux: no amount of writing will force that arc.
Huggybear747: Well, if it works, it works........
graffitidoux: that's why i have shit still waiting in notebooks, that i add something to like once a year.
graffitidoux: once i have the arc, i start writing scenes.
graffitidoux: which is where i'm at now.
graffitidoux: that can take forever.
Huggybear747: but you know, it's a shame to have some shit on the backburners and just feel hopeless about the shit and go through all that crazy struggle when you can just refine your methods
Huggybear747: Because I get that you want people to read this
graffitidoux: but with an arc, i know it'll be finished.
Huggybear747: you want people to see this
Huggybear747: So finish it
graffitidoux: well luckily i have like 5 stories in the works, and a whole shit load of others free floating through my mind.
graffitidoux: coming up with an idea is not the problem, it's seeing it through to an end.
Huggybear747: True
graffitidoux: well derrrrrrr
graffitidoux: i am just glad to have something that is going to be really long.... a novella likely, maybe even novel length....that i have entirely envisioned from beginning to end.
graffitidoux: i think that is a first.
Huggybear747: Well, I know it's frustrating when shit takes forever....and if you're ever frustrated........that's no way to fuel a genuinely creative process
Huggybear747: you gotta be free
graffitidoux: i know this, why do you think i never finished my great american queercore scifi road novel?
graffitidoux: i could not figure out the end.
Huggybear747: You sound like my brother
graffitidoux: nor could i figure out the events leading to the end.
graffitidoux: oh boy.
Huggybear747: always trying to end some shit but can't.......
graffitidoux: to think john and i are of some kind of equal mind.
Huggybear747: he's refining stuff page after page of script
graffitidoux: i think he'd be more freaked out than I.
Huggybear747: My brother is immensely talented and so are you
graffitidoux: the real question is, do you want to know more?
graffitidoux: about the girl and jason?
graffitidoux: i am still trying to figure out her name.
Huggybear747: I would like to see it to the end
graffitidoux: might be ash
Huggybear747: I'd like to read a book with RAVEN ____ on the spine
graffitidoux: but i kinda want to connect her to water rather than fire.
graffitidoux: maybe 'lore' short for loretta.
graffitidoux: thus connecting her to the imagination, and the myths she builds around herself.
graffitidoux: see, i can't quite free myself from metaphors!
Huggybear747: folklore legend.......Lore........7th level elf magician
Huggybear747: with magic bows
Huggybear747: and arrows
graffitidoux: plus loretta lynn was bad ass, it's a good namesake.
Huggybear747: True
graffitidoux: i have no idea why i named that kid jason, other than i don't currently know anyone named jason.
Huggybear747: Just hurry up and write it already, you got me waiting........and i'm not in the habit of waiting
Huggybear747: k?
graffitidoux: ooh it means 'healer' how appropriate.
graffitidoux: lucky lucky.
graffitidoux: i will try to hurry, but i can't push it.
graffitidoux: eeegads it's almost five am.
Huggybear747: push it.
graffitidoux: time to get to bed.
graffitidoux: got to get up in a few hours.
Huggybear747: Well, you're doing a splendid job, and that's just not the booze talking
Huggybear747: I mean that
Huggybear747: keep on keepin' on
Huggybear747: peass
Huggybear747: night
graffitidoux: okay
graffitidoux: it has a bitter ending.
graffitidoux: fyi
graffitidoux: bittersweet i guess.
graffitidoux: but i can't write no happy endings.
Huggybear747: Funny, that's all I oddly expect from you
graffitidoux: well atleast i don't disappoint.
Huggybear747: You never did
graffitidoux: such words.
Huggybear747: Such words of what?
graffitidoux: don't be coy
Huggybear747: you with words like COY
graffitidoux: hardly works for girls, and certainly does not work for guys.
Huggybear747: Well, I guess your right.
Huggybear747: Still hurts a bit.......but not in that sense you would think.......but in the sense that it's all forgotten......
graffitidoux: what do you mean?
Huggybear747: bittersweet, you and me.........I thank you for what you have given to me, I read your words and encourage you to write, and you still act as if what happened between us didn't happen at all
Huggybear747: fuzzy
Huggybear747: hazy
Huggybear747: I almost pity you for it..........and I'm not gonna say I'm holding myself in high regard.....but I think it's still utterly mysterious
Huggybear747: I don't want you to even say anything.......It's just the fact that it's all a distant memory to you that you will never recollect or confront meaningfully.........like you'd rather dive right into something else always whenever something like that comes up.......even in the weirdest places or things
graffitidoux: i am still working through highschool
graffitidoux: post highschool will come before i'm 30
Huggybear747: I got nothing against you, I love you.......I've said it a million times, even if half of it was said in vain.......I still would take a bullet for you
graffitidoux: it isn't raw like it used to be, but i haven't got to the point where i can really think too hard on that stuff.
Huggybear747: You're a wonderful force of nature and a human being capable of tremendous things
graffitidoux: if it's any consolation, i used to be very slash and burn.
Huggybear747: and I was lucky enough to experience some of it
graffitidoux: but i still talk to you.
graffitidoux: that would make you the first boyfriend that i didn't sever relations with entirely.
Huggybear747: If its hard, I can understand.........but you know how I am
graffitidoux: even with quais boyfriends.
graffitidoux: quasi
graffitidoux: though certain boys, they hold on with stunning tenacity.
graffitidoux: and i don't mean they are living in what was, but they wanna be there for what will be.
graffitidoux: even if they aren't a big chunk of it.
Huggybear747: I could care less, as long as I see it for myself
Huggybear747: It would make me happy
graffitidoux: i think you had a shit ton of revelations that i did not.
Huggybear747: You're probably right
graffitidoux: we were on entirely different planes in a lot of ways.
Huggybear747: That's why I don't want to ask for it........but I don't want you to suffer for it either
graffitidoux: and maybe it wasn't totally obvious but i was incredibly depressed.
graffitidoux: i don't think i really let that show, if anything i suppressed it.
Huggybear747: I "retired" myself.......talk about depressed.......I know what you mean
Huggybear747: I was never a good hider
graffitidoux: i wonder if i am a better hider than i realize.
Huggybear747: Well, you've already fooled me
graffitidoux: people now, they can't deal with most of my thoughts.
graffitidoux: i mean, i just keep them to myself.
graffitidoux: it's funny, people in hazard county, you could really open up.
graffitidoux: which is not something you realize until it's gone.
graffitidoux: i don't even rant in my journal like i used to.
graffitidoux: too many people read it that i know, but don't really know.
Huggybear747: Raven, it doesn't matter where you are.......you gotta be in that state of mind
graffitidoux: it's different when it's people you have never met, or people you know really well.
graffitidoux: nah i have been ruminating on this lately.
Huggybear747: People are people, be you, if they don't like it, let them fall to the sides, better for you
graffitidoux: it's not that i can't be me, it's that i chose not to be me unless someone appreciates it.
graffitidoux: and furthermore, i can only be 'me' when i have someone to play off.
Huggybear747: I appreciate it........I know a handful of others too probably
graffitidoux: i think you understand that.
Huggybear747: Well, you got what you need.......you just need to go out and do it, I'm presuming?
graffitidoux: the need to bounce off someone
graffitidoux: no, i need to find those people.
graffitidoux: i mean, i have jb.
graffitidoux: he's my daily, i can bounce off him.
graffitidoux: but others...........
graffitidoux: dot dot dot.
graffitidoux: something is lacking.
graffitidoux: in a world where frienship is really optional, it's hard to open up.
Huggybear747: Well, don't lose your integrity over it......
graffitidoux: i mean, in grace it's like you are destined to be friends with certain people no matter what.
Huggybear747: Be you, be relentless about that.......it makes the sauce of life more potent
graffitidoux: warts and all. you are thrown in together day after day and nature takes it's course.
graffitidoux: here, nature is subsumed to convience.
graffitidoux: oh and jer.
graffitidoux: oh yes, jer is my other anchor.
graffitidoux: hello fellow manic depressive, people hater.
Huggybear747: you got 2 heads, that's enough to wage a war
graffitidoux: jb is the happy, jer is the miserable.
graffitidoux: somehow it works out.
graffitidoux: anyway, what were on again?
graffitidoux: oh yes. the more recent past.
graffitidoux: still being processed.
graffitidoux: very slow.
graffitidoux: i am dial up.
graffitidoux: not yet dsl.
Huggybear747: Well, you know you can always get back to me.....hit me up for whatever.........2 bacon strips..........a left shoe..........you know.........just know that
graffitidoux: i am aware.
Huggybear747: I'm pleased to know all of this innerworkings
graffitidoux: i have a tendency to use up people.
graffitidoux: and then move on.
graffitidoux: very bad habit.
graffitidoux: it's hard to change htat.
graffitidoux: that.
Huggybear747: I've noticed
graffitidoux: i think it's getting better.
Huggybear747: It is
graffitidoux: in fact, i know it is.
Huggybear747: just now, it is
graffitidoux: insane words have fallen from my mouth recently, words that are really not insane, are in fact, quite normal. but that is what makes them so strange to me.
Huggybear747: Makes you almost sick
graffitidoux: and those very words are some kinda indicator of my new found appreciation for NOT slashing and burning and NOT using up people.
Huggybear747: Well, then that's tremendous
graffitidoux: it is.
graffitidoux: commitment?
graffitidoux: yes that is.
graffitidoux: i think a big step.
graffitidoux: if not enormous.
Huggybear747: It makes me more easy about the world knowing it
graffitidoux: in any case, i will not drive you nuts with half a story told.
graffitidoux: i will instead go to bed.
Huggybear747: I want to see it till the end
graffitidoux: with a quarter of a story told.
Huggybear747: on both fronts
graffitidoux: no i don't mean the one i am writing. aha.
graffitidoux: there we go.
Huggybear747: Dream a dream for me
graffitidoux: maybe if i think up a story arc first.
graffitidoux: hard to lucidly dream, harder even than forcing a story.
graffitidoux: but i will give it a try.
graffitidoux: it will involve the literal or not so literal kicking in of teeth.
graffitidoux: not necessarily yours.
Huggybear747: it's what I liked most about you.....
Huggybear747: I thank you for not putting me in the warpath
graffitidoux: ?
Huggybear747: You're always a kick in the teeth
Huggybear747: I respect that.....
Huggybear747: and fear it........
Huggybear747: .......grateful to experience either too
graffitidoux: well that was saved for posterity.
graffitidoux: i am really going to bed.
Huggybear747: peass
Huggybear747: night
graffitidoux: getting im messages from other night owls telling ME to got to bed.
graffitidoux: what nerve.
graffitidoux: anyway.
Huggybear747: thanks
graffitidoux: thank you and good night.
graffitidoux: oh i didn't mean you!
Huggybear747: I know
graffitidoux: aha.
Huggybear747: I was just thanking you
graffitidoux: you are slippery.
Huggybear747: silly billy
graffitidoux: good night.
graffitidoux: good morning.
Huggybear747: both
graffitidoux: whatever this strange predawn time is.
graffitidoux: adios.
Huggybear747: Sleep well
Huggybear747: peass
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