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Diaryland |
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2005-02-14 - 7:38 a.m. Cindy, This maybe something for your jewelry box. It doesn't come in karats. It doesn't have precious metals or gemstones. It doesn't even luster and shine like finely polished silver, but these words may belong there, for safekeeping.......just in case. When I saw you for the first time, I really didn't have an expectation, but when you handed me my panda and held me for the first time in that airport, my mind quickly started searching for what I was supposed to be expecting. I've gone on so long not ever looking to expect or even recieve and what I was getting into deeply confused me for a brief moment. Then we walked around lost in the parking garage with Karen, looking for her jeep and all of a sudden, I loved the quirkiness of it all and my mind pleasantly wandered off its worry and confusion. I needed it then and there and I just smiled because I knew this was the way that the "powers that be" give me my messages. I must of possessed the kind of smile like that of being in the presence of happy children reveling in their beloved nonsense.....the kind of smile that stays locked into your face just witnessing you and Karen performing what could only be described as a well-rehearsed comedy team. I was amazed in how calm I suddenly felt and I realized that it all finally happened. I loved the mildness of that morning. The airports were mazes and I walked them alone with my headphones on and my music was talking only to me. The sun decided even to take an interest in me as it gently raised itself up. I remember the little ripples of waves outside the window of the plane far below and how it enchanted me. I saw houses and buildings and I just thought about how great and unknown these days were to me and being able to get this far, and knowing that farther is ahead and that I chose to make it happen. Kid Koala's cut-up of "Moon River" could sum it all up better then I can speak it. Those little ripples in the water could illustrate it better then any picture and the gold sun could illuminate these feelings I had and give it color more then any words I can ever write. I remember I reached around your front seat in Karen's jeep and just caressed your arm. You were doing your best to keep it together, talking about work with Karen and I was amazed like some dum-dum hillbilly in the back just seeing Canada for the first time and the fact that I could actually reach over and touch you. I tried kissing you in the elevator but it shot up too fast and I started getting nervous then, desperately trying not to be as you led me to your door. You took me to the middle of your living room after we dropped down all my stuff and held me in disbelief. I remember trying to calm you, but in all actuality, I was nervous as all hell. I tried remembering all the things we talked about when we saw each other for the first time and how we'd touch each other but that got thrown out the window. My mind went blank and it was just overwhelming to have my arms around you. We made love. My first time in forever, my first time after taking my own vows to find out what love could really be and what it really meant. For the first time in a long time, I shared myself passionately with someone and I was a whirlwind of blurry, nervous, and awkward. I didn't really even think of the magnitude of what just happened at that moment, mainly because I wanted more then share myself with you, I just plain NEEDED to. You are the "farther ahead" I've been looking for. You accepted me. You magically wiped clean my feelings of nervousness and awkwardness with each kiss. We kissed a lot and I needed all those kisses, every single one. My eyes took you all in and my touch studied all of you. Everything about you is soft and inviting to my senses. "A woman's touch." Your curvy shape, your long hair, just smooth everywhere, smellin' good, and just them bedroom eyes of yours.....it was only a matter of time before I would want you all the time after that and we made silly amounts of love interspersed with our comments of how fantastic it was. I just liked how I wanted you at the drop of a hat and you'd look down and do a little shake of disbelief with your head and I'd crack a smile and soon enough we'd be at it again.......silly amounts of love woman! I could just watch you for hours on end. I remember all the times where you'd kick me out of the kitchen and make me report to the couch while your did your thing and I would just sit and watch, think about life and everything and you'd turn your head, look at me and smile. You'd go back to your crazy large cutting board or picking a tea from an enormous selection of teas and at that point I knew this was it............This is what people spend their lives looking for. You showered me ridiculously with affections. There wasn't a place I could look and see a piece of you embodied in it, because everything was amazing and filled with uniqueness and character. From the decor on the flowerpots, the doll heads on the TV stand, the papasan couch, the "Guernica-esque" painting, "Where the Wild Things Are", the little beads and fabric sewn into the pillows, the funky soaps, and yeah, the food, the glorious food woman! Whatever rough edges I had smoothed out with you and you did it like "It ain't no thang!" I felt engulfed in a menagerie of what I'd like to call, "Cindy-awesomeness" and from then on, I further knew what I found was more then just any woman, but a force, a sheer force of beauty and greatness. You have these rare abilities to make big complicated things look small and easy, to make small insignificant things look big and grandiose, and the very rare talent to breathe vibrant life into everything that's around you. I mean, seriously, the arrangement of toilet paper couldn't even escape from your creative wrath. You made my mind go in all different directions just out of sheer surprise and amazement. I spontaneously blurted out on the bed one day that you were "relentlessly beautiful" and I can still remember your reaction to those words that I scrambled to just find and it looked like your heart skipped a beat or you just got punched in the kidneys or something. You started crying and I kissed your eyelids and tears.......I'll never forget this moment for anything. We did a lot of crying and talking. I opened up to you in a way I would with no one else. Everything I was ashamed of, everything I struggled with, everything that hurt me and you listened. You shared your life with me. Talk of family, friends.....and the more you talked about your life, the more amazing you got to me. I kept talking. You kept listening. We held each other and spent that long evening on the papasan couch, curled up and talking about everything and anything under the stars that night. I remember watching you sleeping one night in my arms. I remember just laying my head in your lap and you running your hand softly against the side of my head. You spoke so much sense to me without even talking. I cracked jokes and had great fun and laughed probably the hardest I've ever laughed before (and that's a tough feat to make me laugh hard...I know all the jokes under the sun) when you explained to me one of your father's tattoos looking like a "Pirate biting a deck of cards." I think we both deemed that to be the gayest tattoo ever that night and if we didn't, now is a good time as any to. So gay tattoos aside Cindy, know that I love you. I know this. I nag, I moan, I get worked up, I get hyper, I get frustrated, and I Get scared knowing all this, but in a way, I know this is why I trust this and I know I'm not just holding tight and hanging onto something for dear life. My love just doesn't want to stay with you, it wants to move with you, grow with you, form with you, and make the impossible possible. This is how I will share my life with you. Quite simply, "I'm yours." I am taken baby. I love you and it's wide open in my heart for you. I desire you next to me. I think of you everyday and in the weirdest places/times frequently and the thoughts always makes me smile and laugh because there's nothing else that matters but living for this eternal bliss that I feel. It's why I choose to live. You consistently help me find my way, encourage me to walk forward, and you bring me a kind of peace and ease to everything I see and do that constantly impresses me and moves me towards change. Your qualities are timeless in my heart. You've simply changed my life by making me want to go up and live it baby. So the least I could do would be to share these thoughts and feelings with you and expound them on the world forever, right? Yours, Mike
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