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About Me

This is where we are.......
2005-03-07 - 2:24 p.m.

Dad,

You have a unique personality all your own, but it's a shame that it has taken me this long to figure this much out now. We discussed, rather you talked last night concerning my future. What went on certainly did not make me happy nor cooperative. You give me these impressions and I speak candidly about them in here because I have no other way of saying it to you. I don't wish to offend, overshadow, or ignore anything.....I wish only to merely stake out my impression that I get and try to figure this, you and I out....

Whenever you talk to me, you talk down to me. I say this is 60% of my fault. I could imagine it's like talking to a deaf person to you. Partial the reason why you always talk me down is that is what you're accustomed too. Ever since we grew up with you not there on any daily basis, John and I can probably both agree that every moment spent with you felt like "catch-up" time. You were a great coach in that respect and we, for a time were avid listeners and we still are in many respects. You are very intelligent but short-sighted if you think we haven't picked up on your valuable lessons, regardless of what we are now in the scope of "Who's who and What's what" of the world. We remain quiet for a number of reasons, we remain quiet because at one time, it was a gift to hear you speak, but silence always meant a great deal to our family, judging by the amount shared between us.

You speak cold with reason. In every way, you speak like the essential texts you've read over your years in verbatim. You are calculated down to what you're going to order from the Chinese restaurant. It's hard to place where your soul went at times. You are quite the opposite of a bland human being. In the army, in which you served 20 years they have a term for people like you, BTDT-"Been There, Done That" and you not only experienced that in your tenure in the army, but in your life in general. You've probably lived 3 lives worth of life and ironically, your sons of over 20 years have only been able to hear about maybe a 10th of it. I know it's a 10th more then most I know and I am grateful for what I've got but yet I'm puzzled by what I haven't got. Eventhough it's right there in front of me and over the years I alone slowly let the chances slip away.

Many would argue that it's not up to the son to take advantage of chances he can't see. A son merely wants to be a son and that's all. There were times where that's all I wanted to be, but I soon learned you had intended more of me, or at least that is what can be assumed. You spent so much of your life finding your goals and attaining your aspirations and we went wherever with you without question and with how you steered the family ship even if it meant tearing ties, growing up awkward and having little time for us. It's hard to understand that when you were trying to be successful that you were doing it for us. It's something I can't grasp, with the "catch-up" times getting shorter and shorter and the work hours getting longer and longer between both mother and you.

John and I got used to having our own housekeys at an early age and staying up while mom when to sleep, sleeping while you were at work, and waking up after mom went to work and before you came home. It was a clever act of timed precision. It was for the best I can imagine. We got so used to it in fact, that we grew tired of family time and the routine of family time brought us little satisfaction. Dinner conversations were the same questions and then dinner itself became a DIY thing. Mindless Televison family viewing got phased out and we all got cable in our rooms for our own interests. Even at one point, family time for John and I was helping mom work weekends at the closed dialysis clinic for free. It even seemed that god himself wanted us to know how futile it was by making it rain on EVERY possible family outing/vacation. Success was key for all of us, too bad we had little or no time to enjoy its fruits, the immediate and promised alike.

Its' hard to imagine becoming a "rugged individualist" that early in life for John and I, but that's what we had to be. That's what you wanted us to be, it almost seemed like the faster the better. The crucial time of the loss of childlike innocence was the beginning of a downturn for me that took me painfully. It was too bad we've already got so used to not talking and not seeing each other for more then a day at a time every week by then. John and I both took it hard. Lucky for John and I we found outlets to shout.....at each other.......other people.......Theatre for John (where he could express anything he wanted and not be called crazy, but be called brilliant) and Music for me (Where angst spoke to me, blues echoed my feelings, and old records gave me a clue into your past.) Most importantly, we learned to make laughter. Laugh about fear, laugh about our situation, laugh at each other, laugh at the hurt, and laugh at ourselves.

We were long past sharing these new-found ideas, pains, and joys as a family at that point. You went to the plays and for moments you thought about it I'm sure, but even your immensely talented son was aiming, in your eyes to go for a longshot in which your calculated eyes couldn't see as good or successful. Supporting him to get a piece of paper saying he went through 4 years of college was enough for support I'm guessing. I remember seeing John so frustrated and confused and crying. I remember what it did to him and I remember trying to calm him down and eating my words and trying so hard to see it your way.

I was lucky I didn't get this same treatment. I never had talent you could see. Needless to say, some might say I got it worse, but I got what I got, I learned a long time to grow a shell of indifference until I had found what I should speak. I never once plugged up my ears or closed my eyes. I sat and took it. I got that from mom. I thought out loud and I thought coldly. I got that from you. A lethal combo of logic I would say at times.

I apoligize for the great wrongs I've committed to you. For not being able to read myself and to ultimately read you. I apoligize for not speaking. I'm sorry for appearing as a failure in your life and not finishing college. I know your goals are very important to you. My life isn't over yet and our family isn't yet and I can't re-assure you anything other then I'm gonna do what I have to do and that I can't see doing it without a family in my life. With what I got and what I know, I can't fail. I can't say I'm gonna bring you the results coldly and textbook as you ask for them, but at times I do grow tired quickly of being your son now just as you grow tired of being my father.

I don't aim to make you proud anymore. I thank you for giving me that freedom. As much as it hurts, as much as the things I'm never going to be able to share with you, as much as listening to the unheard stories of your life that you had your chance to tell.....it is all a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It gives me the endurance, the courage, the ethic, and the stubborness to succeed. Your love is undeniable. Soon, you won't have to pay my bills and watch me waste myself and you can speak to me as a "man" and not as a "boy" which you struggled not to call me yesterday. Soon, you won't have to desparately try to relate to me in anyway and we can chit-chat about success and goals and results oriented nonsense on safe occasions.

With love, I am your son. You are my father, and this is where we are.

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