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reproductive tech opinion paper, updated and revised.
2005-10-11 - 8:17 a.m.
There is no responsibility greater to all of civilization then the raising of our children. They are the products and the future torchbearers of human triumph, struggle, and hope to be pushed beyond our mortal thresholds into the unseen. Children grow on to carry with them our own legacies (that is if they decide to listen), mothering and fathering the same teachings and wisdom in which we carried them. There are no struggles without the human endeavor of survival and procreation. Suffice to say, it is instinct that pushes us in that direction. If we were anything less then our being of supposed �civilized� creatures, then it would seem the only purpose set forth in our �one-track� minds would be making babies and lots of them until we ourselves would cease to live.
But alas, we fancy ourselves as �civilized� and say we see children as humanity�s prized progeny whenever someone confronts us with silly questions like �What about the children?� Well, what about them? It�s never been so evident in my short life and cursory examinations of American history that children need to be protected, sheltered, and diverted from humanity itself so much to a point of neurosis seen in the concerned mother who wants speed bumps in fifty foot intervals on every road in America, all the way to the first year college student whose cultural studies mainly consists of a daily dose of MTV and eating something mildly spicy on Cinco De Mayo. It�s discomforting to feel the producers of tomorrow�s �prized� lot don�t seem to grasp the gravity of bringing life into the world of today. The memory recognition of the hundreds of ways good parenting portrayals throughout the world could only take us so far and I would personally call any semblance of critical thought among my peers on this issue a miracle that needs to be happening a hell of a lot more often.
It frightens me to even think of having a child. The human race itself has never seen the likes of the sheer amounts of self-doubt and fear contained in the times I now live. Having a child takes tremendous effort, willpower, patience, and great sacrifice. There�s no time to have drama when your baby needs food and clothes. Life today is filled with a million more distractions for every one right thing to do and the responsibility of an impressionable life that is dependent on you cannot be taken lightly. I am immensely grateful that my mind, my reactions to family upbringing, and kid-like wonder came out so clean and true throughout the almost insurmountable bullshit that went on in my �Michael Jackson 80s� phase, my �Grunge Nirvana� teenage phase, and my ever-popular �Gangsta Rap Snoop Dogg 90s� phase. As I observe these kids now, seeing their nutty parents spoiling or neglecting them sour, I soon realize I would not stand a chance in their shoes. One more teen geared sitcom could have possibly changed the outcome of my entire life into something awful. I measure my mediocrity now and eerily think, �What if mom encouraged me to watch more FULL HOUSE?� I begin to think hard about this being the beginning to the end, but then and always just then, something cute, quirky, and completely oblivious to these ideas of lost hope, tugs at my heartstrings and makes me go �Damn, that�s just so unbelievably cute-cuter then a pail of kittens even.� and makes me forget the doomsday countdown, recharging my soul and reaffirming humanity�s purpose.
I have quite a few peers with cute little ones. It seems quite common around where I live, but that is mainly because gossip travels fast and the reaction to knowing someone is pregnant is always first, shock, and second either joy or disgust and nothing is more joyous in a small town then sharing the shock of disgust. But this disgust is mostly with good reason. It is never the honor roll, highly capable, and destined to be do-gooders having babies, it�s the kid that carried knives to school and his underage girlfriend drop out who found the rigors of high school just �like� too much for her. Apparently, they got it all figured out and they�ll just wing it from there on out. I find it highly implausible for these kids to effectively raise children. I firmly believe that age is no precursor to wisdom, but I also realize that most men and women in today�s world are nowhere close to pulling off successful parenting under the age of 21. The rebellion and the constant urge to prove man or womanhood in a speedy fashion has always been with the youth, but in a world spinning so fast beyond any simple comprehension the fall from failed and ill-prepared attempts to grasp it can be simply disastrous to these very children raising children. On the other end of the age spectrum, it is harder to gauge where to set an appropriate �cut-off� to the thought of having children. Responsibility and accountability seem to grow with age as do the demands and constraints of a career track and various paths of personal growth. A certain hesitation could set itself deep within as the days of living becoming increasingly numbered, finding yourself not as young and invincible as once believed and ever recognizing the potential gravity of even the smallest of obstacles. Without a stable and grounded-in relationship in your 20s, I would find it personally more difficult to establish the idea of finding another suitable partner, conceiving children in my 30s, and not feeling a substantial amount of urgency or hesitancy about it. Having children in my 30s is definitely doable, but I can�t find myself to rush in commitments as life-altering as having a child with someone that I haven�t had a firm relationship with for at least 4 or 5 years no matter how well we �hit it off.� Children in the 40s or beyond seems too far-fetched to me. Typically, when you�ve reached that age, you are well on your way to the beginning of the golden age of your salary rate, your �bought-a-convertible-and-a-glued-on-hairpiece� phase, and the �oh that�s bad for my back!� way of life. When you are banking all that hard-earned 401k money into bonds, indexes, and utilities; a child seems way too risky at that point and ultimately detrimental towards the demands of being at the highest rung of your career ladder and the beginning of the natural physical decline of age. Who wants to be putting a kid through college at age 60 honestly? Even if you decide to divorce your wife at 40 to marry your hot, young secretary, no matter how good the �feeling young again� feels, it won�t ever feel as profound as that weight loss in your wallet for her and the potential children. Utmost confidence sets in for me beginning in the 30s and starts becoming desperate-to-impossible by the late-30s.
The world is still quite dizzying enough for me as I approach 24 years of attendance on this Earth. I don�t see myself having kids anytime soon or feel an impatient desire to. The idea itself of having kids lends to the idea of �settling down,� which is to my surprise, not totally unsettling for me now, thanks to a glorious woman in my life. She and I have actually discussed the notion on a number of occasions, where we would normally envision what kind of crazy child we would make and with me adamantly implying that the child should have her brains, her looks, and my hair color and appendix. I protest that more non-essential body parts, quirks, and functions should be taken from my genes, but she always manages to sell the idea of the baby having my kidneys or something and by the end of her womanly persuasion, the baby has my eyes, my hair, my ears, and I�m sold with a 10 year extended warranty and the dent/scratch coverage to boot. After she sells me the 72 months of financing, I am amazed to feel so comfortable to cozying up to the idea of creating a child with this woman. It�s a relaxing feeling I have never experienced with something seemingly so scary and big and life-defining.
I experience love so good with this woman, I have flashes of disbelief. You could swear you have it so good that at times, you just postulate that it�s just the eye of a hurricane. Consistently however, her voice, the things she says and does are just best described as being �relentlessly beautiful.� Only 3 years ago I thought I would never choose to get involved in an intimate relationship ever again and lived with such a gross under-evaluation of my own self-worth. I am now proud to say I�m worth it and that I can love this woman and intend to do so for a very, very long time and soon over this time the idea of a child became plausible, to feasible, and nearly inevitable in my mind. At first, you think you�re both crazy. How did this playful conversation segue itself into babies? The whimsical-sounding hypothetical situation of a child seems almost absurd and obscene. You really question yourself about this �love� thing. �Am I really this blind to think that we�re going to have a child and keep painting rainbows and making out in sugar clouds in this psychedelic love revolution fashion?� Baby talk can shatter a lovely dream in a heartbeat and send you flying backwards in millions of pieces. Deciding to have a child is an ultimate group and life commitment and in being in my 20s, I find it is hard enough to get a group of friends to meet up for dinner that I will pick the tab up for, let alone convincing any woman to have my child and keeping a straight face. The odds are ridiculously stacked against you in the actual, �concentration/focus� side of conceiving children. Where do you find the time for commitment at a time of your life destined for finding freedom, sensations, and wild abandon? Having a child does not necessarily mean you are officially grown up, but much like the umbilical cord, the lifeline to vitality and freedom is ultimately cut. Mere mentioning of a strong stance on children from a partner could easily be a deciding factor in a relationship�s longevity. I�m especially thankful that my girlfriend and I can approach the issue playfully, safely, and with comfort because many are not so lucky. In fact, many of our goals and thoughts overlap and despite our reservations and fears of bringing children into this world, we both deeply want to be able to have a child later in our relationship. We even both had notions individually about adoption before we discussed it that were similar.
The idea of having a child would become more viable to us when we are settled in with careers. All the requirements would have to be there for my child. We must be able to raise him comfortably and be financially stable in a suitable and loving environment. We would seriously consider adoption as an alternative to pregnancy. I figure there are a lot of people in this Earth right now, and many of those are children, and a good many of them go harshly neglected and unloved. Gibran spoke of children in The Prophet as being �the sons and daughters of Life�s longing for itself.� It makes no difference to me if the child has my eyes or not, what matters is that the kid grows up surrounded by love and humanity. Between both of us however, there is an innate desire to have at least one child of our own making. Badly put, but with the best possible intention, I believe it to be a mixture of an idea of animalistic natural selection, with the variable traits being a cross between those both civilized and survivalist. We are inclined to procreate with the one with whom we are most strongly involved, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The whole process symbolizes the relational strength between two people and despite the notions of children and child bearing being less important to today�s day and age, a child still remains a piece of the world highly symbolic and truly remains the only thing that you really can call your own.
I�d preferably want us both in some decent age around the 30s because that seems most likely where we would get the bulk of our careers at a reasonable and respectable level of importance, challenge, salary, and involuntarily start careening off the cliff of youth and hipness. In theory, it�s around there where you want to give back to the world that has treated you so well in the form of a child who will hopefully be programmed to pass on your legacy. Two kids would suffice, in case the first one, the guinea pig, fails. I�d like to have them in quick succession (between 2-4 years apart), not twins but a fairly close younger and older duo. It�s more advantageous for the kids that way I believe, because it�s always good to have someone similar with you at all times just in case. I found it very helpful to have an older brother with me. He gave me something to do in between moving a lot being an army brat and gave me a straight man to do the �Who�s on first?� bit. When the folks were out busting their asses for their kids, my brother was always there to make fun of me. My partner grew up as an only child and to convince her of my experience being a Costello to my brother�s Abbot, I think we�d end up adopting the second child, because no matter how you slice it, I think asking your wife to push out a second baby so they can do family comedy routines together is a tough sell. Of course, time could not naturally progress to this and careers could demand more out of us causing a setback in this scheme. My partner is 2 years older then I and is significantly ahead of me career-wise, and despite my industriousness, it could be quite risky to take the partner that will be probably be pulling down the most money and putting her out of commission for awhile to have a kid, let alone two kids.
As for gender preference, my almost natural answer would seem to be boys. I know how the boy mind works, I know the complexities of humor in a fart, and I�m no stranger to �noogies� and headlocks. But I was a �mamma�s boy� so inversely I think it would be better to have a �daddy�s girl� in some instances. I am a sucker for attention, and that�s attention being fruitful, meaningful, and progressive because most the attention I get is cheap laughs and girls tend to be more expressive. I can get sick of playing catch and watching pro-wrestling all the time. Not that there�s anything wrong in that, it�s just I�ve been there and done that with my own childhood. Regardless, I�ll do my best to raise my children androgynously and I don�t mean giving him or her yellow to wear. If my son wants to parade around in mommy�s pumps and scarves, so be it. I�ll be straight up with him. If my daughter wants to help me rotate a tire, I�ll give her the lug wrench. No questions asked, only answered if they wish for them to be. My goal would not make them oblivious to gender, but more or less make them comfortable and aware of it. I�m not a meat-headed gorilla and my lover doesn�t fashion herself as a princess, so our ideas on gender and gender roles and issues incorporate nicely. Between two children however, I think I would prefer them to be the same sex, boy-boy or girl-girl. It is a somewhat conservative notion to me in some respects, but I feel as for development in youth and adolescence, having a sibling of the opposite sex causes a bit more confusion then that of having just another same sex sibling. There�s definitely a challenge in the monitoring of that sex separation between a brother and sister, with one eventually coming home with a picture of a pony and the other wanting to play catch. I would feel personally more out of control in the bonding of my children in that respect of the sex roles they themselves learn from society as they grow through it. From my life experience, I find sibling bonds very important and I am more defensive to anything compromising those bonds.
For the issue of the pregnancy and the childbirth, this would involve me doing a lot of listening and nodding my head a lot because I�m the man. I know how to make the pizza, but I don�t have to deliver it. I wouldn�t go �laissez-faire� on the pregnancy and childbirth but a lot of it would have to be made by consent of my partner. I have no problem in researching on the countless options of child birthing technology and how she would want the child and being there every step of the way in the pregnancy and birthing process. My judgments tend to sway on the three different pivots: my partner�s enthusiasm, what the professionals have to say, and what nature has intended for centuries. If all seems healthy and well with no complications, I�d figure a natural birth is best. The more non-invasive it can be and more the way nature intended, the more I find myself unable to debate it. Possibly throw in an epidural if my partner�s going to squeeze all the life out of whatever appendage she lunges for on my body as she curses at me violently. I know I cannot even begin to imagine the idea of pain from labor and if she asks for anesthesia of some kind, I know I cannot object unless there�s a clear health issue or concern I can see, which the doctor and anesthesiologist should see before I do anyways. My partner and I will prepare for as much discomfort and pains as possible and ways to approach them without �assistance� well before the birthing process. I�m in this with her, and if we�re going to do it, we�ll do it right, so if she asks me to jump, not only do I ask �How high?� but I find out the best way to jump and keep jumping as necessary. All aspects of types of delivery would be discussed. Natural birth is always in my opinion, the preferred option. Forceps and C-sections are more or lest the product of complications with birth in one way or another and have their own set of complications for both my child and my partner. There�s only so much you can do about intangibles and my judgment relies upon what the professionals, midwives, doctors, etc. would recommend if such events arise.
I would prefer that the birth itself take place where doctors and nurses with capable instruments are close by. I just don�t tend to trust the luxuries of home too much when my partner is squeezing a moving thing approaching the size of a watermelon out of her body. I don�t personally like the sterile atmospheres and lights of hospitals but a lot of hospitals these days have birthing rooms which sort of tone down the coldness of normal hospital rooms and I�d probably would want my partner to give birth at one of those places. I will definitely be front and center for the birth, I figure I helped make this thing and I�m going to see it through. I don�t want a party with cameras up there. I would definitely want a good midwife for the pregnancy and birth, because she would develop a good relationship with my partner and me throughout the pregnancy on a more personal level than what a doctor can do.
As far as after the baby pops out, I would definitely push for breastfeeding. You got all the nutrients right there in those mammaries, every single one a growing infant needs. It�s especially important in my opinion that breastfeeding creates an even tighter bond between baby and mother that only the natural ability to nurture can provide. I have no idea how long a mother should breast feed, but if I figure if the baby can start eating good food other then the mushy carrots, the mushy peas, and the mushy green beans, then that�s when you take the baby off. I�m guessing if you can eat, then you can lay off the teat give or take about 6 months or so. An interesting thing I ponder about pertaining to diet, both she and I are �Ovo-Lacto� vegetarians, meaning we do not eat animals, but we do eat eggs and dairy products. Although babies don�t eat steak with their zwieback toast, I am puzzled to the gentle explanation to give to a child in the �Terrible Two�s� asking why we don�t have hamburgers and hot dogs in the house. You can only fool a kid with soy products so long and I wonder if presenting this diet to our own children would affect them in any profoundly different way then with other children.
I would do everything within my power to spend time with my child when it comes to avoiding work I�m not fully invested in. Hopefully, I will be in a job where I make my own schedules and appointments as I see fit, but if I�m not capable of such luxuries I�d take full advantage of the FMLA and any leave I had at my occupation to raise my child. I know it is of utmost importance to be there in the intense stages of early child development and it is important to me that the child raising be a joint effort of mainly my partner and me and our loved ones. I would not want a lop-sided child rearing effort. The efforts would be divided out as evenly as possible and intensely planned out but still allowing for the occasional game of �rock, paper, scissors� to decide who tends to the crying baby. It would be very important to me to be an integral part of my children�s lives past infancy and throughout the �Why?� phases, all the way into their schooling. After that, I would lay off the intense regimen and allow my son or daughter to venture out more into the world. I don�t want to smother my child. I don�t want to strangle my child either. I want his or her natural curiosities and abilities to reason to take root in his or her world. If something goes wrong on the initial test flights, believe me his or her ass is going to be retooled assertively and not abusively. As soon as my child reaches preschool age, my main objective is switched from being a nurturer to one of guidance and support as I return to my own exodus in preserving my pop culture icon status. I wouldn�t necessarily bust my ass as much as I would before having children but I�d get pretty close to straddling the idea of being a capable and responsible parent and a hard-working man.
It�s important also to think about my lover�s own career goals balancing with the rigors of child raising. Career wise, she is quite far ahead of me, 2 years older then me, in a management job with an E-commerce company and a budding art career. I am a near 24 year old returning college student looking for a job. I believe at least one of us should have enough salary to sustain a whole family modestly, covering bills, rent, food, and baby with one check. I don�t necessarily think we should live off one check totally, but just as precaution for extra stability in unforeseen circumstances. I�m open to the idea of being a �House Husband,� man-papoose and all if the situation calls for it. We both carry similar future goals of living through an entrepreneurship of our artistic and creative sides which can be more open to the idea of coming to work with a baby strapped to your back. Thinking of the balance of everything is a great task indeed, but I believe she and I both can find willing compromises between the two of us on all fronts of time, money, and professions.
I�ve been told on numerous occasions that I would be a �great dad someday� and if that isn�t the most odd and disturbing thing to say to me in random conversation, I don�t know what is. I seem to just have a candidness and openness about myself and towards all people that make me more personable. I�m not afraid to talk about anything and rarely find myself avoiding that many issues. I think just for my honesty and thought in talking about such serious things maybe what triggers this idea. I listen and observe a lot and in my short lifetime, I�ve been most definitely placed on the receiving end of people�s outpouring hearts and a rock of reason and support for them more often then I�ve had the chance to get the same opportunity. Much like a good father, I like to talk things out, with my own breed of wisdom, with a heart as big as my head, with little or no expectation of gratitude. I�ve definitely kept this very public consciousness and sense of service and responsibility throughout my teens and well now into my �roarin� 20s� as backward and weird as that may sound. Weird or not, it always gets me thinking. I really think I could pull off a half decent job. I got a heart full of love and a mind full of reason. It appears to me also I have quite a bit of time on this Earth. Having a kid isn�t much of a long shot in my life anymore. And that endeavor if I decide to take it, will probably be the most challenging and rewarding thing I can give back to humanity with all sincerity. I certainly don�t intend to raise no slouches and the best possible job that can be done, will be done. I believe I�ve been raised right enough to perform these tasks of making the future of humanity and advancing civilization for the better. The fact of having children might scare me now slightly, but throughout the bullshit that goes on in this world and that keeps piling high above our heads, it occurs to me that the only hope I can see on some days is that in which children naturally and innocently possess. And it is that foresight that allows me to believe and embrace future generations and carry that ideal love into everything I do.
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