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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-04-01 - 3:06 p.m. I know I'm stressed. I even thought of extinguishing the little life I've had over these last few months. It's taken it's toll. I am a tornado that has ravaged my love's heart, my friend's attitudes, and has put my work and dreams on hold. I realize this. I am ashamed of this. I really fucked up this time. I know I'm generally harsh and negative to myself, but this time I really am beginning to think that what I'm saying really fits the bill I've recently tallied. She grows weary of me. It seems that she wants half of me. It seems that I've made her grow weary of the saying "I love you." eventhough I really mean it. She replies now with "I know you do." instead of returning the favor. She grows weary of me. My brother notices my erratic behavior, even not so close friends can see it. I pee in their drinks and rain on their parades, no wonder Kevin distanced himself away from me. I'm naturally an asshole I believe, I make smart remarks automatically now without thinking. Just now visualize that same asshole swimming in a ocean of bitterness. I've really fucked up, I feel like I'm near rock bottom, I've given in to shouting back at my demons, I've let them succumb me. I sit at times with nothing but guilt and regret standing over me. My friends and family offer sympathy and solace, so does my love, but I am not deserving of so much, I let them down. I guess that's what love is. I should graciously take what they give and never forget it. I kept asking her the same questions, as if I didn't have faith and trust in her, that's why I'm here. I wasn't loving her the way I was supposed to. She kept on regardless, that's love. I forgot what it was in a cloud of fear and self-loathing. The great things that we once were are no more. I lost. She lost. We lost. It's hard not to think you had something to do about it, she doesn't think she's a "princess" I didn't think she loved me. We are creatures of our enviroment, the things that live and breed on the outside, climb in and live in breed in you. Your decisions on such is part of the game, your motives is for what you believe in. In essence, it's nobody's fault, but in the end you just want to do something more then just saying "Sorry." It just is and you gotta accept it and take it without regrets that make you yearn for pasts that will never be again. With this breakup, with this coming of friends and family, and my sick grandmother, I finally see it. It took all that to see, sadly. How great things are and how I took them for granted. Now I'm knocked off my high horse. Now the pain I caused can slowly subside. I can start anew with my hopes and dreams. I love her, I love my friends, I love my family, and maybe this time around I'll love me. They are my muses, my comforters, my supporters and the people I trust. For them, I will. For her, I will. For me, I will.
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