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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2002-02-12 - 3:52 p.m. Seriously, Raven and I are not the same.....Anyways, she posted in her diary (http://kittenclaws.diaryland.com) That she had an "interesting theory" on the future of are relationship but doesn't want to say it to me until I see her. Naturally, when I read this, damn, I just want to know now, but I guess it's better in person. I just feel this lump in my throat, I got anxiety and worry all in my head. It's like I'm preparing for the worse, but I don't want to. You know, I've been so psyched into seeing her now I'm just as afraid. I was planning all this "stuff" for her for Valentine's Day-a day where you say "I love you" in special ways, now it's like I'm gonna go through all this and what she's gonna give to me is this bombshell on our relationship. I come with chocolates, she comes with a break-up speech. I don't know. I love her. She says I got a huge attachment to her, true, She says she can pour all her feelings easier into people then guys in general can. Okay. She says she doesn't feel a strong attachment to me......wha? This isn't good for me.....I just know it, I'm in a panic, I just want to cry. I don't understand, I don't want to box her in. People go through cycles of need and giving, she and I have been through almost 5 years of companionship-a weird blend of shared friendship, love, sadness, suffering, amongst other things. DOESN'T THAT MEAN SOMETHING?!?!? I don't know, I just don't know.....She says she yearns to connect with people on personal levels......I have no problem with that, I don't want her all to myself......I don't get it, I don't.....She's still searching.....she doesn't think its me....she doesn't want to think its me...she doesn't want to give me up in case it is me that she wants......she doesn't want me.....I'm fucked......what a great valentine's I got ahead.......I don't know......I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait, she feels pity the longer I do.....that's not love, that's just a lot of pain....I'm not just comfortable with her, I LOVE HER......she wants me to look the other way.........I just know it.......IS THERE REALLY SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE?!?!? She thinks so......I don't......doesn't mean I "settled" for her at all......I believe it, I believe her, I believe her and me.......she doesn't........things are gonna be radically different.........I have to tell myself these feelings I've had aren't true....I have to destroy all of which I believe in, and then what??? Who knows, there's no guarantees. I gotta tone myself down in order to see what's out there and in essence I don't want to look further, she does.....She's afraid of that lost potential in people, but I don't want to lock her down for the ump-teenth time already, she can roam all she wants and I'll let her come home to me, and my thing is I wanna convince her that "I'm THE ONE" and she doesn't have to look......after that, what she yearns for comes TO HER, she doesn't have to go searching......She'll be beyond searching, she'll be found........can I give her that??? I don't know......my heart is tearing and is getting heavy........My tears are plentiful..........The whole way I see things is beginning to be painfully altered and is becoming my nightmare, I can't even trust myself let alone my object of affection, I just want to jump back into the darkness where she found me.....I just want to roam the world as a ghost......I don't want to be seen, My face is getting red hot, I can feel my tears about to come out, I don't want anyone to give me their shoulder, My fault, my downfall, my heart crushed, my mind turned into madness, the truth is bitter and my mind wants to turn sour and I want to wither away and die to be reborn without all this negativity......but I don't know, until I see her.....I still trudge forward versus this wall of fear and unknown.....because it's really what I got......and I've traversed this far and I got a responsibility to uphold to her, to me, to us.......to be the best people we can be........
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