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Diaryland |
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2002-05-06 - 8:29 p.m. "When did simple faith get you anywhere?" -At times, there's so much truth to that statement. Raven and I met Thursday night. I came over after driving 3 hours from college and eating some jambalayah. She had a gift waiting and I did too. We haven't seen each other in a month maybe. Our recently supposed renewed relationship was broken soon after the gift exchange. I took back my teddy bear, it doesn't get any more final then that. She said I felt like a "brother" in a supportive sense. She broke up with me after we laughed, kissed, and held each other in silence for minutes. Those precious minutes, I knew something was up and it just wasn't my penis (Trust me, I wanted to just ravage the hell out of her, no sex since V-day, i'm fuming, STILL fuming with horny-ness.) I tried breathing with her, together. Inhaling. Exhaling..........but I just couldn't get comfortable. She spoke up soon after. Of course I was crused, over course I feel a bit "red-in-the-face" still, but I'm worried about her. I can say a thousand smartass comments about the predicament we were in, but I didn't have the heart to hate her. Even now, I'm worried. As I scribe, I'm calling her number to see if she's okay, eventhough it was me that got dumped. She cares about me. God damnit! I care about her, even in a time like this, where it seems I need attention more just to stay sane. I worry about her. Am I this sickenly kind? I need to talk to her. I love her, I don't want to bury her like I used to do with my old problems. Eventhough I feel like I lost, I gave my heart and she gave it back. This victimization feeling I get time to time does not compare to the love I feel for her however. I want her to be happy. The only problem is what I believe. I still wanna be with her, I still think it's possible, sometime, somewhrer and I WILL NOT belittle her and my fond memories of her and I together to "get over it." So how? That's the big question. I'm gonna see her with other guys, she's not gonna want to even touch me for the sake of not hurting or giving me the wrong ideas, but I still want it. Her. I. Together, lovers forever. That feeling in my heart is still there. Maybe I'm stubborn, but to say years of belief amount to nothing and is wrong ultimately-How do you even approach something like that? Man, I just wanted some physical romance. Some booty. Anything. I just want some assurances. I just want a good summer. Fuck all this riff-raff thinking shit. I used that "busy" service thing and the phone is supposed to ring when her line becomes available. Maybe she's online. Maybe the phone is off the hook. God, I just want to talk to her. Everything between us, weird......No assurances other then the love "sense" but it's not the same or something to her standards. I don't know. This is hard to do. Wait, wait to tell her all this. I took back my Panda bear, that's fucking serious! I hate how she talks about us sometimes. I find no hope in her voice at times, for once I'd like an assurance here and there. I guess she's too horny for that. Too "free" for that. She doesn't want commutents. I think she's afraid, she admitted it, but still it doesn't matter, her mind is made up. She want adventure, she doesn't want one person stalibility. When she can have a dozen sparks over one sorry, old flame I guess. I'm old fashioned maybe, but damn I try, Try my ass off. At times, it seemed like I was the one working while she just had to "think" about things. All these things, these feelings I held back because for her it was worth it, even now I still believe it. Faith is fucking with me. My heart is in intensive care. My mind is quite lost. Time keeps on ticking. I still love her. I still want assurance. I still want her. I almost remain unchanged, unmoved.....physically. I don't see all the good things. I don't see the joy. I don't see the love. I see finals. I see work. I see summer. I just want to smile for no fucking reason at all. I want to laugh without punchlines. I want love without the pain. I've hit a low, but I'm not crying. Maybe it's shock. I'm clueless yet not frightened. Maybe I think there's no time for that. Line is still busy. It's like a funny depression, I don't feel like shit, but want to for the sake of ease. No ring............Man, I could of used some booty tonite. --------------------------------------- Well, I wrote that Thursday night. Now it's Monday night. Things have changed, but the characters remain the same. I'm away from it, from her physically, but of course it's ingrained in my mentally. It makes me feel relaxed and less tense, but being away makes me think more. I think, who did she call that night after I stormed out? Could it be this new Patrick guy? She was gonna go to the movies with said guy. Was he spittin things she wanted to hear about us? I got my suspicions about this guy being the next "Ron" if you will (for those that follow along this rocky love saga.) but what does that tell me, nothing really, she could be flaunting her woman-ness with the Sultan of Brunei, it wouldn't make a difference....unless they were the chosen one for her. If I knew that, I'd know the meaning of true and utter defeat. Only then will I feel the most sharpest barbs of love, supposedly. She gets irritated when I say the same things. We have been saying the same things over and over it seems. I just want to break the monotony. I ask for answers. She wants to let it settle. Sometimes I get so frustrated over her. She doesn't want to talk, she says "I don't know" when I ask her why she chose certain tough decisions. Two things click in my brain when she does this. One, I love her and it pains me to see her frustrated like this. Two, I feel like she's hiding away, hiding something. She wants to say something but doesn't say it. I think she thinks I'm not prepared for it. Maybe I'm not, but really why let the unessecary happen over time when you can just spit it out and end it right then and there? She doesn't want to crush me, but intern I think she's crushing me slowly. It's in no way cushioning any blow, just stretching it out. I told her I'd wait for her. I want her to trust me. I want her to do something with me that's she's never done with anyone else. I want her to feel comfort in my arms. I want her to find peace next to me. I don't want to weird her out and I'll wait as long as it takes for her to make her mind up and find what she really, truly desires. She's still the best thing in my life right now. I love her more then anyone else in the world and I don't want that to ever change. She's called me the best boy in the whole world, she's the best girl in the whole world. Sometimes I hope she knows it. Knows how much I love her. I just want her to be happy, happy with me, but she's gotta be happy with herself first. I realize that. In the mean time, I'm not gonna push her off, I'm waiting. I'm loving, I'm caring, and I'm respecting her and her wishes. I just have a feeling, a feeling within me that says "She's the one." I really do. I'll never let up on believing that. If loving her is wrong, I don't want to be right. All and all, I can't stand and wait, I won't. I can't. I gotta live and be the best person I can be. I gotta do this for me, and for me, I gotta do this for her, for me to be happy and be happy about her. Does that make any fucking sense? I just wish I could do things without her worrying. I just want her, the right way, by me doing the right things, together.
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