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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2003-12-15 - 9:23 a.m. So, i'm opting out the rest of my college career to jump head first into the world. No paper to say I completed anything, I didn't finish, but hey, I'm tired of killing myself and hating myself over and over. It's pointless and I've lived with it for so long. I guess the main worries now are: getting a stable job, insurance, being able to sustain myself, owning up to my parents and getting their support. It doesn't look any easier then sucking it up and going to school, but it looks like something that needs to be done. All I think about is the things that I truly love and how I shunned myself into self-guilt and pain trying to own up to ideals of others. I think about the feelings of pointlessness I've felt throughout school. It became too much to bear. I'm getting academically suspended for not maintaining a decent academic standing, but I could care less. It's been a long time coming. I've coasted long enough and within that time I desparately tried to understand, but nothing ever came other then my own frustration, guilt, and hatred. I've lived with a family for years now that has existed loosely connected by just a name. I sit here guilty of not owning up to my feelings and guilty for not looking towards my family for help for so long. I'm guilty of not making valid efforts in trying to keep a lively family relationship that goes beyond sharing bills and buying food. I don't want to sit in shame anymore. I want to share my life, my passions, my desires, and even my gripes with the people I love because I know I can't do this alone. I guess we are all guilty of things but I'm tired of it, I'm tired of seeing a relationship fading slowly apart, and I'm tired of internalizing it all. I held back because I don't know what the hell I wanted or needed. I wrestled all throughout college and life with it and I finally have come to this conclusion. God willing, I'm right because the only other choice I had, I knew was wrong. Happy Holidays
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