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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2005-09-15 - 10:06 p.m. Alright, I walk to class, a good 15 minute walk to class everyday because I park about a mile away from campus because I can't afford a 200 dollar parking pass THAT DOESN'T GUARANTEE A SPACE NO LESS! So yeah, it's not that bad, plus I get to work off these ham hocks of mine but occasionally, I'm caught in what I'd like to call a "Sidewalk Shuffle" of sorts. Today's walk was particularly interesting and roused my interest. I did not plan it, nor expect it, or feel so angry and wound up about something so silly as walking down the sidewalk next to someone. Alright, I park, I'm way too early and I've been doing this park/walk routine for weeks now and the only familiar things I see are the cars and the scenery, never people-new people all the time when I walk this route. Today I cross the first intersection and to my right, coming down the adjacent road, a white blonde girl in a white skirt AFTER LABOR DAY no less! She looked dressed to be in a tennis match, and she had "cankles" and I think a green shirt of some sort with a book bag of some sort, going to class. Alright, she's coming that way, and I'm coming the other way, we're obviously going to class. For your information, I was wearing my gas station attendant JESUS button-up shirt, and black jeans, black shoes, and my 30lbs fully loaded backpack of scholarly burden. So yeah, she's a fast walker, me, usually I'm faster but it's humid as hell and eventually we near simultaneously meet at the corner where she makes a right angle and I go straight ahead to head to campus. I let her ahead of me because of her brisk pace, and because I don't want to run into the bitch, but hours after the fact I realize I should of done some Dennis Hopper Nike Advertising shit to her. "LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN!!!!! CHOO-CHOO! CHOO-CHOO BABY!" But anyways, not even 5 steps after I let her pass, she walks to the other side of the street on the opposite sidewalk. Which puzzles me....Since we're on the same road........going to the same place obviously and HAVE TO WAIT AT THE SAME WALK/DON'T WALK INTERSECTION TOGETHER......she takes to the safety of the other side of the street as if I'm some sort of sexual predator. Frankly, I did not give her a thorough stare or any indication of "Hey, look at that piece of real estate...." or whatever the fuck dumbasses do but she decides to walk on the other side of the street anyways. So we're walking on the opposite sides of the street and I'm confused and sort of entertained and angered, as if I'd even talk to that white skirt, post-labor day bimbo. I'm wondering, "do I look like a sexual predator man?!?!?" Then I thought, "we live in a world where women have to put their guards up so much around men because of all the fucked up things that happen in this world....." but then I thought, "I bet this bitch (pardon me) is gonna go to some frat party on Friday night, get really drunk off of terrible beer around a buncha meatheads and just maybe, maybe get taken advantage of and not remember where she was the next day and here she is worried about me." I asked Nikc today: "Do I look like a sexual predator?" (beat) *shakes head a little* "ummm, you sorta got that kinda thing goin' on.....the glasses." SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I NOW?!?!? THE GOD DAMNED UNABOMBER?!?!?! By this time, I just wanted to give a flying forearm to the girl on principle . And that makes me evil, right? SO ANYWAYS, we get near to the end of the street and she WALKS BACK OVER TO MY SIDE AND ABOUT 8 STEPS AHEAD ONLY TO WAIT WITH ME AT THE CROSSWALK FOR A SOLID MINUTE! Really, should I have given her a proper self-defense lesson or something? I don't know, I just felt really bad after that. I felt bad because I give off the look as someone as "bad news." I can make outlandish accusations about my shirt saying JESUS on it or maybe she had a traumatic experience that I have no knowledge of. There's no way not to feel bad about that awkwardness it seems. It's not like I can openly say, "Hey girl, I'm not going to assault you, don't be alarmed and I don't want to talk to you anyways because you got cankles and don't know how to dress right." OR she could say, "Hey, you look mighty crazy and probably want to assault me.....but hey, maybe not, but I can't take any chances." How did we get to this point? This whole incident makes me think alot. I think about my past and how I didn't want an ex-girlfriend of mine to walk to her house alone at night.......I think that there was a time and there are times where I feel like this girl and have felt about people I cared/care about. It is as an amazing fear as it is depressing. I remember when my ex called me up one day and told me she just got assaulted. I wanted to fuck someone up superbad and I don't think I ever felt that enraged and disturbed before in my life. At that moment, I felt it necessary to exercise a power, a dominance over another, another that I felt needed to be struck down. He was the scum of the Earth in my eyes, but I never went down there with my "crew" and kicked his martial artist ass with pipes because of the insistance of his victim. The rage and the power I felt at the point was no different then his actions other then my insistance in calling mine the "righteous" one. I don't like people getting picked on or taken advantage of, but just like that guy who threw my ex up against the wall, his rage, his power came from the same place where my righteousness did. I don't know, maybe that girl just liked the other side of the street.
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