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 Latest
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Diaryland |
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2005-06-16 - 4:19 p.m. So, I got a piece of mail today. From the college I dropped out of and in which I plan to go back to and apparently the government accepted my financial aid but I am NOT eligible for financial aid. I have to appeal to these folks and plead my case to get in. I was terribly optimistic after I got my aid supposedly approved but then I forgot how much the "man" likes to keep people down. I'm in the process of trying to understand all this shit. I personally am quite tired of doing things in my life just to piss people off or prove them wrong to prove myself to "them," "them" being the mighty invisible force that I've built in my psyche that adds a bit of stab/kick-me-while-I'm-down to my life's hardships. For real, though, I'm not that depressed (well, anymore at least), I just describe reality wickedly good. At Towson, I've attempted 54 credits and only earned 21 credits, which is quite fucking sad. I can imagine this action by the university is the showing of "heart" by not taking Johnny-be-dumb-sap's money in these types of situations. I can understand it and see that all my fighting has put me in a place where I'm expected to fight and fight some more. At times like this, you wonder if you're destined for great defeats in your life. It's funny to think that all of this is everyday life, no amazing circumstances or god-bestowed hardships, just a person trying to get back into school for a very symbolic piece of fancied-up paper. It's difficult to find sympathy for selective hardship. I know what this is though. It's more then fancied-up paper with horridly ancient fonts of distinction. This turn of bad news is a pivot point for thought and understanding. This downturn of emotion is a natural call to attention to focus and learn. The click of the time clock in a game of chess to make me aware that it is my move. I worked too much on my end game in the past rather then utilizing all my pieces at the beginning and have no one to blame but myself. When you leave the company of man and social nature, it's hard to jump back in, but I'm left to wonder why this life has to feel so prescribingly earned and why do my actions have to feel like they've taken the world for granted? I find a terrible sense of misunderstanding in only this. What causes this impatience and suffering that seems so forced and unnatural? Why the fuck am I sounding like Buddha? *looks at watch* OH SHIT! I BETTER WRITE THIS APPEAL! *turn up the suspense music!* So maybe i'm too smart for all this rubbish and impatiently waiting for everyone else to catch up OR I'm one of those people that have the least understanding of the world and expect so much from it. At times like these, I find myself leaning towards the latter and I don't admit it in shame, but more or less an "aw shucks!" smile. Frankly, there was a time where I would really like to just fill out 100 FAFSAs then speak for myself about myself.
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